Saturday, August 27, 2005

A post about men

I think we'd all agree that one behaves differently when involved in a relationship than when not. If we don't agree then I can say it's true for me. When I'm in a relationship I don't make eye contact, I don't smile, somehow I don't give off whatever signals that I give off when I'm single so I avoid any unwanted advances.

Thing is that I've been single for over a year and a half now and I feel like I haven't shed those protective strategies of avoidance. When I do receive advances I behave like one of two things; an awkward thirteen year old or a coldhearted bitch.

After that relationship ended I intentionally stayed away from involvement in an attempt to 'find myself' and all that shit. I don't regret that, but it was a long time ago. Then I was leaving for Korea so there was no point to get involved with anyone. I didn't bother for the six months or so that I was planning to leave. Now I'm here for one year. So what mindset is best to take? Roll with the punches? Steer clear of attachement? Pursue people I would never otherwise pursue at home (which I guess is everyone because of religion complications)?

I suppose it's not a pressing dilemma at this point since no attachment is on the horizon. I want to say that it's not that I'm not interested in men that I meet - but for the most part I'm not. That sucks. It's nice to be interested in people but I feel like a tense snob out on the dating field. I was so carefree once..sigh. What happened? One serious relationship with an intense guy screws me up forever? No sir! I won't have it.

So, in summary: I don't like anyone but if I did I wouldn't know what to do about it and I probably would send them the wrong signals so they wouldn't even be interested in me back. Great.


At August 27, 2005 11:07 a.m. , Anonymous Steve said...

Hi, I am just a random reader (Korean-New Zealander -- don't know how found this site) but my 2 cents worth is that everything has a reason, so jump into a relationship when you *know* you want it.

At August 27, 2005 12:47 p.m. , Anonymous seadragon said...

I wouldn't worry as much as you are about this. It IS hard to be totally comfortable and suitably flirtatious, and sometimes you're probably blaming yourself for being too standoffish when maybe you're actually getting signals that are warning you to be a little careful. As for the giggly thirteen-year-old, I also wouldn't worry because I'm sure that can be endearing and you're probably not acting as ridiculous as you think.

When you meet someone you are interested in, I'm sure conversation will come more easily because you won't have to worry so much about how to act. It will come more naturally because you want it.

After those words, I have to tell you that I completely identify with what you described. I mean, I'm married now, so I don't have to worry about it anymore, but I do sometimes wonder if I can be a little too bitchy when men approach me because I'm so worried about otherwise seeming too friendly! If I was trying to meet someone, I'm positive I would be a complete dunce about it.

At August 27, 2005 10:55 p.m. , Blogger Jessica said...

Hello Steve. I like your advice. Surely I'll *know* it sooner or later.

Seadragon, I appreciate the comment. The problem is that my idea of what I want is coloured a lot not only by my experience with men, but also by the perceptions of a particular ex boyfriend regarding people. His overly-critical ideas are now in my mind whether I care about them or not. I wonder if they are really my values or if I'm just stuck holding onto his. I have to think about it.

At August 28, 2005 11:22 a.m. , Anonymous seadragon said...

Interesting. I had no idea that's what you were talking about!

Well, I guess you'll just see over time whether these critical ideas are your own impressions, or whether your just noticing things you know that your ex would react to. Sounds like it's worth opening yourself up a little bit though and finding out.

At August 29, 2005 9:04 p.m. , Anonymous steve said...

I just wanted to add that this post was great as it showed how women think, and why sometimes they give guys cold shoulders. The secret is out!

At August 30, 2005 8:06 a.m. , Blogger Jessica said...

Glad you think it was revealing! I don't know if I'm typical.. in fact, I don't even understand myself...


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