I feel, I said

My childhood pet is dead and I don't feel exceptionally distraught about it. She was a good natured animal with an addiction to barking so perhaps that has something to do with my ambivalence regarding her death. Or maybe I'm just stone-hearted. This should probably be a post about Corky but I'm going to turn it into a post about myself because I'm the boss.

I cry easily over silly things. Movies, commercials, stories, pride, nervousness. I do not understand what makes me cry in those situations. Then I talk to people about serious circumstances; losing a close family member and that kind of thing, and I feel as though I could easily get through it. I don't have too many close relationships that I would collapse without. I feel strong on my own and sometimes I regret that lack of dependence on other people. Other times I pride myself on my strength.

Suffering heartbreak over a year ago was good for me because it allowed me to experience great emotion. Since then I have been much more aware of my emotional experiences, experiencing emptness and dissatisfaction when there is nothing to feel. There is often nothing to feel. When I feel elated or moved to tears I inwardly congratulate myself for feeling.

Back to the main point. Why is it that big things that should be monumental, like the death of my dog or a reunion with that ex-love last summer or the guided tour of Israel spent with peers, leave me feeling empty and blank, while a song, a glance, and a nice day make me feel like bursting? It seems backwards to me.

And now for a poem.

man and women in bed at 10 p.m.

I feel like a can of sardines, she said.
I feel like a band-aid, I said.
I feel like a tuna fish sandwich, she said.
I feel like a sliced tomato, I said.
I feel like it's gonna rain, she said.
I feel like the clock has stopped, I said.
I feel like the door's unlocked, she said.
I feel like an elephant's gonna walk in, I said.
I feel like we ought to pay the rent, she said.
I feel like we oughta get a job, I said.
I feel like you oughta get a job, she said.

I don't feel like working, I said.

I feel like you don't care for me, she said.
I feel like we oughta make love, I said.
I feel like we've been making too much love, she said.
I feel like we oughta make more love, I said.
I feel like you oughta get a job, she said.
I feel like you oughta get a job, I said.
I feel like a drink, she said.
I feel like a 5th of whiskey, I said.
I feel like we're going to end up on wine, she said.
I feel like you're right, I said.
I feel like giving up, she said.
I feel like I need a bath, I said.
I feel like you need a bath too, she said.
I feel like you oughta bathe my back, I said.
I feel like you don't love me, she said.
I feel like I do love you, I said.
I feel that thing in my now, she said.
I feel that thing in you now too, I said.
I feel like I love you now, she said.
I feel like I love you more than you do me, I said.
I feel wonderful, she said, I feel like screaming.
I feel like I can go on forever, I said.
I feel like you can, she said.
I feel, I said.
I feel, she said.

C. Bukowski
from Mockingbird Wish Me Luck, 1972