On My Way

Arrived Alive in Salt Lake City!

2011-08-04T10:39:00.000-05:00

Okay, I'm finally back from my epic journey across America and beyond. I didn't have internet or interest in blogging but I had so many blog worthy moments that I kind of regret it.

In short, we crossed the border on June 30th where I managed to get my TN work visa. Yay! That means I'm legal to work now at my new job here in Salt Lake City. Yay!?

We then drove West to Chicago, then down across route 66 until we headed north into Utah and up to Salt Lake City. The whole road trip took us about 10 days with tourist stops in Santa Fe, New Mexico, at the Grand Canyon, Antelope Canyon in Page, Arizona, and Bryce Canyon in Southern Utah.

We arrived in Salt Lake at our rented apartment with no furniture as our truck was delayed, so we spent our very limited time having a drink at Steve's colleague's house, dealing with our REI wedding registry, and buying new bathing suits for our honeymoon.

We went on our honeymoon and spent two super fun weeks checking out three different islands. We got back to Salt Lake on Friday the 29th and since then have been busy unpacking, setting up our new lives, and exploring our new city.

This is a very brief overview of the news, but I figured I'll make new posts with actual content and some of the stories of the move.

For example, yesterday we went to the driver's license office to get Utah drivers' licenses. Why bother? We need them in order to get car insurance, not to mention that having state ID seems to be key to doing or registering for things around these parts. We had left our little piece of paper with the address at home but could remember it was at 1000 West 200 North. We drove there and looked around for an office. Mostly there were dilapidated old buildings, but there was also a big fair ground. It took asking a lady waiting at a bus stop to learn that the drivers' license office is located inside the fair grounds. Obviously?!

We spent over two hours in that office waiting, waiting, waiting, and then SURPRISE, writing an (open book) driving test. Great. I was pretty nervous and it was difficult to find some of the answers in the book. It's been quite a while since I've had to take any sort of driving test. Luckily we both passed. Then we had to register for our road test. ROAD TEST!!!! I hope I don't fail.

It's been nearly impossible getting internet and cell phones because our Canadian credit is insufficient for the credit checks that all these companies do. We had to get my American aunt to order our cell phones on our behalf, which was another headache. We can't get credit cards either, but then how are we supposed to build up credit?

I guess we'll chalk it all up to the exciting adventure of moving to a new country right? I'm just glad we can speak the language, we have enough money to do the things we need to do, and we've got enough American family and friends that I'm sure everything will work out just fine. In the meantime, cell phones come today!

Aside from the headaches, we've also been experiencing our new city's arts, culture and food. We've eaten at a few good restaurants, many of which are right around the corner from our downtown apartment. We checked out the Pioneer Park Saturday farmer's market and bought fresh tomatoes, goat cheese and beats for a super fresh and delicious salad which we ate on the rooftop of our 28 story building. We went for a walk at the City Creek Canyon and laughed aloud at the reality of the beauty in such close proximity. This is something we do whenever we catch sight of the Wasatch mountains looming over Walmart or Best Buy. It's a pretty hilarious juxtaposition that makes this kind of shopping experience feel somehow bearable. We took in K.D. Lang from the hilltop beside the outdoor stage. And tonight we're heading back to Pioneer Park for another free outdoor concert.

So, at the moment I can't really complain. Though there have been some tricky issues to deal with, they're kind of funny once they're behind us - can't wait till my road test is behind me - and the fun stuff has made it worth it.

Be back soon!

Moving to the U.S.A!

2011-06-26T08:50:00.006-05:00

Well, hello blog world!

It's been a loooong time since I've been an active blogger, but I'm sensing the pull to return. Things are happening, and they can't go undocumented!

It's been one full week since Steve and I tied the knot. Our wedding was so beautiful and perfect; I still can't get over it. Here, check this out.

Not bad, eh?

Instead of having post-wedding blues because we have a void in our lives where wedding planning and anticipation once laid, we've been focusing our energy on the next big thing. We're moving. To Utah!

That's right. This Thursday we're jumping in the car and heading on a 9 day route-66 road trip with Salt Lake City as our final destination. It's a pretty big deal to be leaving our family and friends here in Toronto, but we're quite excited for the adventure ahead.

I hope I can get back into the blogging habit, so I can document this exciting time in our lives. I'll fill you in on some other details over the next few days before we head out. Wish us luck!

New blog wow!!

2008-05-09T13:32:00.001-05:00

I haven't been writing in this blog so I figured hey, why not start a new blog.

I miss you, old blog.

New blog: neumanjm2.blogspot.com

Setting the scene

2008-01-03T19:53:00.000-05:00

It was winter 2002. Scratch that. It was the beginning of spring 2002. And I was at Talisman Resort with Matt who was competing in a series of ski competitions. This was the last one which involved I THINK the half pipe but who can really be sure.

I was skiing down a smooth and creamy run when suddenly my right ski caught something, pulling my leg out and back. I crumpled. I heard a pop but didn't know what that meant. Fuck. A snowboarder cruising by stopped and asked me if I was okay. "I don't think so," I said shakily. Unsure of what to do, I sat for a moment riding out the pain, then carefully stood up. I could see Matt at the bottom of the hill walking as quickly as he could in those cumbersome ski boots up to meet me. Together I hobbled to the bottom of the pipe, my knee slipping left and right on the way, where I sat for the rest of the afternoon.

I forget whether he came first or second in the series.

Returning home, I endured a hospital visit, months of limping and discomfort, a few doctors visits and finally an MRI, with diagnoses ranging from nothing serious to fully torn Anterior Cruiate Ligament to partially torn Anterior Cruciate Ligament. The latter is what seemed to stick, and for the last six years I've been pretty much unawares of my knee or any injury I had sustained.

This spring I stared playing ultimate frisbee. I love it! It's great. In June I sprained my ankle. I hate it. It's bad. I now wear a brace. Two weeks ago my knee went one way when I went another and I suddenly remembered my ACL injury of yesteryear.

It hurt far less and the limping ceased after only days, but clearly somethig is askew.

A trip to the sport's medicine doctor today has left me with a likely fully torn ACL diagnosis and an MRI appointment. Plus physio for which I have no coverage. Plus my having to back out of two ultimate league teams I was due to start up next week.

It also leaves me something to blog about. Finally.

Observation exercise

2007-09-26T18:37:00.000-05:00

She sat beside me on a bench, the traffic of University Ave. buzzing by on either side of the outer flowerbeds. Maybe she made a call on her cell phone - I was deeply engaged in my book and didn't notice her really until she stood up from the bench and spread a picnic blanket on the small strip of grass directly in front of me.

The ever so familiar Dominion plastic bag in hand, she kicked off her cheap flip flops and sat down cross-legged, smoothing out the puffs of air resting beneath the blanket.

Looking self-conscious but not minding my direct view, she began unpacking the grocery bag. First, twin fruit, yogurt, and granola containers - the pre-made kind you buy from the pre-made salad shelf. The shelf I frequented almost daily during my time at The Department this past year. Those must have set her back a whopping $3.99 each. She laid them on the blanket side by side, out of the way. Next she pulled out two Mandarin Chicken Salads. Yes, I know these things by name. And because a picnic isn't a picnic without it, she also had a container of grocery store sushi rolls. California, I bet, but can't confirm. She emptied the bag, with two fancy bottled smoothies, one pink and one yellow. I could literally trace her steps through the store.

The store, which sits on Bloor and is teeming with students buying pre-made salads and frozen pizzas.

But we're on Hospital Row, which is instead teeming with healthcare workers and suits. And researchers trying to get away with fancy pants and sneakers, but I digress.

My lunch is more or less over, but I want to stay to see who her lunch guest will be. I'm almost certain it's a boy - like she'd go to so much effort for anyone else, but then again it's all store bought and demonstrates very little creativity. Plus, despite the healthy eating hoorah happening these days, I don't know how happy many men would be about lettuce, rice, and granola. I'm also willing to bet she doesn't know him all that well. She chooses two of the same of everything, except for the smoothies where she guesses with two popular colours/flavours - she can't go wrong, but clearly she doesn't know that his favourite drink is Blue Powerade and he much prefers Greek to Mandarin, for example.

She's wearing the typical student uniform; the flip flops I've already mentioned, along with too-tight jeans that emphasize her slight stomach rolls showing from beneath her simple tank top. I forget to notice her face or hair. She's not memorable.

I go back to my book. She waits. I glance up. She's putting a thick, hard-cover book without its jacket away into her satchel, looking up into the distance. She stands, smiles, and meets him. They hug for longer than a greeting between friends, but it definitely doesn't feel like a comfortable, long-time couple. I like being right. They don't kiss, but sit down on the blanket together. I try not to stare so I don't notice his reaction to the things she's laid out. Does he look impressed? Does he even look?

They sit for a moment before she suddenly pulls him by the arm towards her and they share a quick peck. She deserves that much after all this effort, damn it. I'd be willing to bet this is something like date number 3, and the transition from goodnight-in-the-dark kissing to out-in-the-open-guess-what-I-like-you kissing takes some guts.

His legs bend out awkwardly, his dress-shoes just off the blanket on the grass, until he abandoms them and sits cross-legged. He looks sharp in his dress-shirt and dress-pants and dress-frames. He's cute. Good for her. Good for them.

Lunch is over and my curiosity is satisfied. I leave these two to their granola on the grass.

That feeling

2007-09-20T08:23:00.001-05:00

You know that feeling when you just wake up from sleeping so soundly and for just a moment all is well until a wave of the memory of all the shit on your mind hits you like a brick?

Oh yeah, I'm heartbroken.

Oh right, I'm stressed.

Oh shit, I'm nervous.

Things like that.

I don't like that feeling.

Hey, MSG

2007-09-18T10:53:00.000-05:00

Come on, you can't stay mad at me.

Rainy Sunday

2007-09-09T09:55:00.000-05:00

I cut off the rest of the straight bits yesterday. In the kitchen with kitchen scissors and a plastic bag full of hair. What do I have against hairdressers, anyway?

What to do on this rainy Sunday morning?

The amazing and incredible evolution of a Magic Straight perm

2007-08-24T17:28:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time I taught English to little tiny creatures who called themselves children in a far-off fantasty land. Sara wondered if I could lie on my deathbed without giving one of its many specialities a try. So I went for it and had the tedious full-day process done. Magic straight-uh!

I said goodbye to my curls in November 2005, opting to give the straight life a try, and I kept it up, refreshing the process just as I left the ROK at the end of Jun 2006. That was one year (and two months if you want to get specific) ago. Let's see how my hair has fared over the year....

Here I am in Vietnam, not a few weeks after the chemical transformation. I look sufficiently carefree with my roll-out-of-bed straight hair that required no effort whatsoever. What a novelty it was.

Here I am in November 2006, four or five months in. Look at that sleek and shiny mane! Not only that but the grueling stress of graduate school was taking its (welcomed, in this way) toll and I was dropping in poundage with little to no effort. Plus, I had a new friend called Romeo! At this point it would have taken blowing and hair straightening effort to handle the growing in roots.

I got a terrible haircut in December that nobody bothered to tell me about! Blunt cut?!?!?! Blasphemous! It looks okay here compared to how it really looked. I guess it was the smooth San Fran dinner jazz that made me smile.

By the end of January, seven months in, I grew sick and tired of the awful blunt and went for something that changed my life: bangs!!! What a wondrous invention, those bangs. I dug 'em, though I had to wield a round brush to get them to behave. It wasn't so bad, really. By now it was becoming a real effort to get this long, exceedingly curly rooted 'do under control. I'm not one for time consuming grooming.

So I cut a lot of it right off! My continued laziness left me with a mullet-esque cross between straight, wavy, and curly. I didn't particularly mind. People were starting to wonder, though, no doubt. Because they, like you, took great interest in the state of my cheveux. I also got this awesome wallet. It's yellow. It still makes me happy whenever I see it. This picture is taken in Fort Hawkesbury, Nova Scotia where I ate ribs and looked out at the gazebo behind the hilarious motel. I watched Bring it On on TV that night, and laughed hard over a game of pool. FYI.

Let's jump through most of the awkward hair growth period to the middle of July, just about one year after this story began. I'm at Mel's wedding. My reader's will recognize the lovely lady on the left, but probably not to the right. That's okay. Here you can see that despite being mostly curly there are still mucho-strange straight pieces at the ends that stick out and make me look much less polished than the two bridesmaids. It drove me crazy.

This brings us to the present. As you're well aware, t's the end of August and a year and two months have passed by. I haven't gotten a haircut since the wedding above, but I have been driven to the breaking point such that I took to some of those straight ends with a small but effective pair of nail scissors. Straight ends begone! I'm almost completely back to my curly self and it feels good! Plus I still have my friend Romeo. He's just a friend, people, just a friend.

The question remains: do blondes have more fun?

I'd say that straight hair definitely has its benefits. You don't have to do anything to it and, if you're lucky enough to have the thickness and sheen of a naturally curly haired person, it looks pretty awesome. Men on a whole definitely find long, straight hair sexy - that I can attest to.

Awkward growth hair I wouldn't particularly recommend. It takes lots of effort to straighten it and leaving it half and half just looks crazy. CRAZY!

Curly hair is pretty good. Girls compliment it a lot, mostly because those with limp straight hair are full of burning jealousy. Smiling guys say things like, "wow, you have crazy hair". I don't know quite what to make of that but... I'll choose to like it.

So that's that. At the end of the summer I'll get the rest of these damn straight bits cut off and that'll be the end of an era. I can now lay on my death bed without any regrets. Thanks Sara.

2007-07-08T22:23:00.000-05:00

I start my first real job tomorrow and I have very little idea of what to expect. Here's why:

I got a great job. I have autonomy, responsibility, and variety to look forward to. I'll be working as a researcher on a project led by the woman who interviewed me. There is another researcher much like myself only more experienced and at a higher level.

The project is based on a theory of how alzheimer's patients maintain their self-concept despite a lack in cognitive ability. My boss has developed a 12-week training program for health care workers to undergo that is supposed to improve the overall environment of long-term healthcare facilities.

This project is a year and a half long exploratory study meant to determine whether this theory and training program is actually effective. We are using two Toronto long-term care facilities for the study.

My job is to do all the research at one of the two facilities. I have to solicit and secure participants in the study including both health care workers and patients. I have to look at archival data, run focus groups, conduct interviews, orchestrate surveys and survey collection, manage data, analyze incident reports, and other things like that. I do that for a period of time, we run the training program, and then I do it again.

My boss doesn't care where I work, whether it is at home or at the office or at the health care facility, as long as I get the job done. If I have an appointment I have to make I don't need to ask permission. This is what I want in life. I also get to interact with people. I also get to do a lot of different things. Who knew I'd be excited about work? I cross my fingers that that excitement doesn't diminish.

In preparation for this first week I needed to go shopping. There's certainly no way my jeans and t-shirt student uniform would suffice. So I spent a hell of a lot of money and now I have woman-clothes. Wow. They're nice. I need hangers. I need an iron and an ironing board. I need a closet to hang things. I need an air conditioner. I need to pay off my credit card bill in a few installments.

So, I don't know what I can expect tomorrow at my 9:30am meeting. We're signing contracts and then what? How does one start this kind of work?

I feel so very lucky.

I got the job!!!

2007-07-04T08:45:00.000-05:00

I haven't written since last week when I'd been asked to come in for a second interview. I went in for that second interview yesterday.

There were three people sitting around a table; the original interviewer (the head of the study/my new boss), a friendly man and a friendly woman. The man started with questions that were much easier than the first ones I'd had. He just asked me to talk about the plastic surgery project I'd done, and some of the other work experience I'd had. These kinds of questions allowed me to speak with animation about a project that I'd truly enjoyed. Bonus. At one point he said, "you will be asking very busy people for their time. Are you a persistent person? How will you handle that?" I said, "Well, I have a very endearing smile... " and everyone laughed. I had them laughing up a storm. They loved it.

The second woman asked a few questions too.

Then I had a chance to ask some questions. I had asked most of the questions I'd had during the first interview so didn't have as many good ones this time around. But what I did end off with was, "Is there any skill or experience that I am lacking or that concerns you that I can address?" They all shrugged and said no.

I walked out of there after only 25 minutes and felt good about the atmosphere in the room but still uncertain.

Until I got a call from an unfamiliar number at 9am this morning. "I have some good news for you," she said. "That is fantastic news," I responded.

I have a horshoe up my bum. That's the only explanation. Oh, except for my Peace Boat failure. Whatever, man.

Great success!

Short-listed!

2007-06-25T10:54:00.000-05:00

Still in the game!

This morning I got an email from the woman who interviewed me telling me I was a pleasure to meet and that I've been shortlisted for the position! She wants me to meet with two of her co-investigators, probably the week after next.

Hooray!

So I wonder if being shortlisted means there are multiple people still up for the job. Or maybe it means she's already chosen me in her mind but just wants to have me meet the others before offering the position. Who knows.

Any second interview tips out there that differ from first?

2007-06-19T05:42:00.000-05:00

When I get a job I'm buying myself a present.

Talk about incentive...

So, how'd it go?

2007-06-18T17:52:00.000-05:00

Well!

I practiced what I might say to the "tell me about yourself question" as I walked along andI arrived with time to spare (it takes only 25 minutes to walk from my house to this job!) Then I sat on a park bench outside watching people milling around.

When it was time I went in, up the wrong elevators where I was greeted by an awkward man and a locked door. Luckily the awkward man was waiting to be let through the locked door so I was just on time.

I didn't get the "tell me about yourself question" but let's see if I can remember what questions I did get. This job is a research job that I'll tell more about if I get it.

Why did you apply for this job?

What are three skills you think are necessary for a job like this one?

How have you utelized those skills in the past?

What do you think would be a challenge for you in this job?

Tell me about your quantitative and qualitative research experience.

What kind of work environment do you like?

What would your previous employer say about you?

What would you do if the research subjects who had agreed to participate later said they were too busy to sit down with you?

How would you approach prospective participants and get them to agree to be part of the study?

You would be doing a lot of data collection: interviews, focus groups, observation, archival data collection, etc. How would you keep it all organized?

***

That's all I can remember. All throughout her questions I felt okay; like I was doing a decent job and she was moderately impressed. I didn't feel like we were connecting in a particularly impressive way, however. When I had a chance to ask questions I felt like she really came alive and I was able to demonstrate my interest in the project and how I know a thing or two about this and that. Maybe it was just her own excitement about the job, or maybe she liked me a lot. I don't know. I liked her a lot, though. She was friendly and warm but professional and didn't give too much away. I can respect that.

So she's interviewing all day today, tomorrow, and Friday and will get back to us next week sometime. That's a lot of candidates. I wonder whether I've got something the others don't, considering I'm a new new graduate. I sent a follow up thank you email today and included a list of references which I'd forgotten to give her (she hadn't asked) and she replied right away thanking me, telling me it was a pleasure to meet me, and saying she would definitely be calling my references.

I want this job. But if I don't get it I'll find something else that's even better......

Interview time!

2007-06-18T08:39:00.000-05:00

I will be leaving for my first 'real-job' interview in about half an hour. I feel jittery in the excited first-date kind of way, as opposed to the scared about-to-have-your-wisdom-teeth-out kind of way. That's good news, I think.

I've had only a few interviews in my time. My first was when I was applying to work as a lifeguard and swim instructor at Thornlea pool. I was sixteen, it was my first job, and I was ridiculous. I remember acting pathetically lame-o. But I knew my stuff, they needed people, and I got the job.

After that I had a few camp counselor interviews which I can't remember but I got those jobs. I had two interviews to work at some second-rate sporting goods store at the Promenade Mall. The first one went great. The second one not so great. I failed to get that mall job. Ouch.

Then I had a couple of interviews to work in insurance offices. I remember this one friendly State Farm agent asking me a question of when I had had experience selling something. I thought back on my swim instructor and camp counselor (and tour guide experience) and told him I had none. He kind of smiled at me and told me to think more carefully. I had been selling the campus I was giving tours to. What a good guy he was, teaching me about the art of embellishment during an interview.

Too bad I'm a pretty shitty embellisher. But I'll try!

I haven't had an interview since then, and that was years ago. Korea didn't require one, graduate school didn't require one, and all of the jobs I had while at school didn't require one.

The lesson I learned, though, from the interviews I've had in the past and the jobs I've got and haven't got (damn that sports store!) is that if I have the right exerience then I can get the job. I think I have the right experience here so let's see how she goes.

Jessica is an open book.

2007-06-15T09:54:00.000-05:00

"You're so hilarious!" she said to me while we milled around the buffet table. It was the last day of Spirituality class yesterday and we did a full-fledged conference complete with name tags, panels, and lots of food. I talk very little in that class - in most classes actually - prefering to listen and try to pay attention to three hour blocks of mostly bullshit.

But I had just finished presenting my "paper" on why and how spirituality might be taught in a multicultural classroom like many in the Toronto District School Board.

"Really? Why??" I smiled. I like examples. Always have.

"You're just so honest. It's awesome."

She wants to be my friend, this girl.

It's true, I'm honest. Sometimes too honest/borderline rude. I don't think I too often cross the line but I definitely hover around the border. This character trait seems to be becoming one of my most noteworthy. When did that happen? I don't know if I've always been that way or if it's a new development. I don't even really know what I said during that particular presentation that demonstrates it.

But I like it.

I'm going shopping for an interview outfit today. It's serious business.

Prospects!

2007-06-12T11:44:00.001-05:00

I've got an interview! For a job that would be great! I don't want to fail publically again, but hey, might as well bask in little successes like getting an interview. Who's got interviewing tips for me? I need them by Monday.

This is a fun game.

The search continues

2007-06-10T23:51:00.000-05:00

Can't sleep, can't sleep, can't sleep. But why? Could it possibly be due to the three hour nap I took early this evening? Nahh, I say it's excitement from job-application land that's got me up.

No, I haven' t found a job nor have I even had an interview, but I have managed to find some jobs that actually seem interesting. Like a research position in a Toronto rehab hospital. I would be working on a project testing how a drama and arts-based treatment program works with dementia patients. It starts July 3rd. I want it! Another opening that caught my eye is a cejep faculty member teaching sociology. In Montreal. Would I be professor or Miss?

For both these positions I meet the requirements but I lack some assets. Like a background in health, for example. And post-secondary teaching experience. But I remain hopeful, and awake.

I sent my resume and cover letter to some people for editing and my dad called to give his constructive criticism. Man, my immediate response to advice from my dad is to tense up and become defensive. But I forced myself to be open to feedback and now my resume is so much better off. He knows some things, my dad. Why was this particular experience useful? Why am I a good candidate for this job because of that experience? These are things I hadn't thought about.

So, this first real job search in the life of Jessica has begun and it's rather exciting. Less scary now than before, and more exciting. Wouldn't it be great if I never reached the discouraging stage. Or the disappointing stage. Or the, "oh shit, I have no more money and need to pay my rent... maybe Subway is hiring" stage.

Gimme a break.

2007-06-08T01:54:00.000-05:00

Someone left a fat kit kat in my room about five months ago. Actually seven months ago. It was in a shoe box dedicated to that person until three months ago when I found that shoebox. Inside was a pencil and a fat kit kat bar. I put the kit kat bar on my book shelf, unsure what to do with it. I found its purpose tonight, at 3:00 am when I returned out from a birthday celebration. Its purpose? To be eaten and loved!!!

early evening buzz

2007-06-06T19:36:00.001-05:00

I always thought the sangria at future bakery was weak. Turns out it's not. A pitcher between two people is just fine.

I have a car!

I am not driving it right now, fear not.

Isolating grad school

2007-06-05T18:51:00.000-05:00

I have one month left of my masters. And I still don't actually know whether I'm supposed to use an apostrophe or not for my degree. I'll rephrase - I have one month left of my MA.

I've been feeling a little bit down in the dumps the last few days, and am reminded of my first few weeks of grad school before my RA and TA work started up and took over my life. I'm lonely and isolated. During the day I often don't have class until 2am and stay at home, sleeping, reading, lounging around, until it's time to get to school. I walk to school alone, sit through two hours of class, and then head to the gym and home.

Now with my still-swollen and mildly throbbing ankle I can't even go to the gym. I'm sad. I can see how a life of academia can be a very isolating career choice unless you make the effort to reach out to the people around you. Luckily I didn't make that career choice. I should still reach out more.

Also eating at me is my impending nothing-to-do that will spring upon me in July. It's looming nextness, my friend says. Mixed with incessant laziness (which translates to lazy job searching), I don't know what's to become of me. A job isn't going to just fall into my lap.

Things usually fall into my lap.

Hey job! My lap is waiting! Hey happy, exciting, fun future life! My lap is waiting!

Almost Monday

2007-06-03T23:08:00.000-05:00

My internet was broken all weekend! It was near panic-inducing but I also liked it. Remember the big blackout of '04 or whatever it was when people actually sat outside and talked with their neighbours? It was the first and last time I had any kind of real conversation with one of my then-housemates. People got together and were merry. This weekend I read a book for pleasure! I went outside and hobbled around on my sprained ankle! I played games on my computer that were NOT web-based! I drank a corona on a patio. And I did other things too. Oh, I went to the mall in the suburbs. It'd been a while. All those stores in one easy location! Air-conditioning! Spending!

Why are people allowed to smoke on patios? Aren't the no-smoking rules to do with second-hand smoke prevention? I don't get it. Smoking causes cancer, people! Didn't you listen to the cop with the drug suitcase back in grade 6? I did.

The ankle is getting better each day but it's still swollen, awkward to walk on, and purpley. Not very hot. Not very good for my workout regimen. Not very good for my frisbee team. Not very good for putting on pants while struggling to balance on one wonky foot.

There's not much going on this week. I was supposed to ride rollercoasters and waterslides all day long on Friday but that just may be cancelled.

Falling asleep. Good night.

Failure and future plans

2007-06-01T09:58:00.000-05:00

Dear Applicant,

Thank you for applying to be a volunteer teacher with the GET Programme on Peace Boat. Unfortunately, we are not able to offer you an interview for the 59th voyage.

The competition for this voyage was particularly high and we had a very difficult time making our decision.

Thank you once again for applying to the GET Programme. We would like to wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

***

Man. I've failed to get the first thing I've ever really badly wanted; the first thing I've put my all into applying for. It's disappointing but, surprisingly, not crushing. Maybe because I had a feeling it wouldn't work out. Maybe because I'm tough like overcooked steak. Maybe because I'm an emotionless freak-a-zoid.

The scary thing is that now I have to make up a new plan. I finish school in July and without Peace Boat to occupy me from September to January I am stuck finding a real job and getting into real life. But I don't want to... but I know I have to. I have money. I can use it to travel the world. Instead I think I better do the responsible thing and save it. Or find a job that allows me to start sometime in the distant future and travel for a while.

So many options.

No options at all.

I search for jobs on sites like workopolis and monster and I don't even know what to use as my keywords. A master's in sociology isn't so conducive to applicable careers. Durkheim doesn't generate any results. I've been using "journalism", "journalist", "sociology", "sociologist", "research", "qualitative". But few if any interesting jobs come up.

It's scary to leave the protective walls of school. Pretty damn scary.

Held up

2007-05-31T14:05:00.000-05:00

I can't walk. I can hop, but I can't walk. This is certainly worse than it was in January.

Today I'm skipping class, skipping a party, but not skipping. I'm instead getting reacquainted with TLC. They've got some fantastic shows on these days. Like "Ten Years Younger" where they put run-down looking women in a sound proof glass display case in the middle of a busy sidewalk and have passersby guess their age. Then they give them a make-over, usually involving chemical skin peels, dental work, hair, clothes, and make-up adjustments, and put them back in the case. People guess their age once more and, believe it or not, the average is much younger. Amazing.

There's also "Bringing Home Baby" where you get to watch a couple with their new baby, trying to figure out things like breast feeding, dealing with involved family, etc. etc. etc. It looks easy. Babies sleep and eat and that's about it. Piece o' cake.

I'm a better person for having sprained my ankle. I'd really like to shower but the trip upstairs to get my stuff and back down hardly seems worth it.

Maybe momma and poppa will come and bring dinner. That would be fabulous.

Noooo!!!!!!

2007-05-30T21:50:00.000-05:00

Today my ultimate team finally met our match. After a game of losing horribly and two games of winning incredibly, we were playing well and working hard to keep a slight lead. And I was rocking it! Catching and throwing much more reliably than I had previously. Until disaster struck.

My ankle connected with a small divet in the field, rolled outward, and was punctuated with a decided crack. Fuck.

Now I'm lyin in bed with my Ikea footstool and a bag of ice, hoping magically that it'll all be better in the morning.

It's always like this, isn't it. Just when I get back into a regular exercise and eating routine, am feeling energized and good, and then I twist the ol' ank. :(

On the bright side... hmm.. what's the bright side? Oh yes, on the bright side it's not too swollen and not too painful, therefore not too badly sprained/strained. I plan to stay off it for a few days and hope that I'll be good to go next Wedesday. I don't want to let my team down! I love playing! Ooh hoo hoo.

Still no word from Peace Boat. If they don't want me I need to find a real job. Gahhh!

Englisheee

2007-05-30T14:49:00.000-05:00

I find myself continually impressed when I hear adults and small children using normal English to talk about norrmal things.

Today I overheard a swim instructor speaking with a crying four year old.

Instructor: "What's wrong? Did I do something wrong?"
Child: nods
Instructor: "What did I do?"

Maybe this is a bad example. The girl didn't even respond with words. But I was still struck by the instructor's use of sort of complex expressions like "what's wrong". In Korea I might have asked "why are you sad?" but never "what's wrong?" It's amazing - small children understand most words! Language acquisition is so cool.

I also saw an eight year old boy say to his swim instructor, "You just look so sullen. I want to see you smile." He was right, she did look sullen. Sullen! Amazing! That boy is going places.

Impatient Jessica

2007-05-29T21:20:00.000-05:00

I can't stand the suspense any longer. Peace Boat, just take me!!! I am supposed to hear by June 1st Japan time which I guess is really May 31st my time. I'm starting to feel doubtful. Ooh hoo hoo.

Head is hurting. Going to bed early.

Man

2007-05-29T07:25:00.000-05:00

Isn't it a shame when your boyfriend drops by unannounced late in the evening while you're working on a presentation you must do in class the following day, leading you to wake early in the morning after not enough sleep to prepare?

It is a real shame.

It's 8:27. I have five hours until I must leave for school. Plenty of time!

I take back the shame part. I like it!

Let me introduce you to Adam:

I love summer

2007-05-27T22:44:00.000-05:00

I've been playing in an ultimate frisbee league for the past few weeks and it rocks my world.

The opportunity to get outside and run around with a bunch of like-minded others is really fantastic. I forgot how it felt from back in the ol' soccer days... High fives all around!

I was once known as the Iron Curtain for my stellar ability at blocking any offensive attempt at my team's side of the field. Those were the glory days.

Anyone know of someone looking for a roommate in Toronto? I need to find me one of those ASAP.

Answer me this!

2007-05-25T01:40:00.000-05:00

Imagine you are faced by the demon on your deathbed with the sentence (or gift) of reliving your entire life, moment for moment, without the ability to change a single thing. Would you say "oh boy!" or "woe is me?"

For whichever philosopher it was who said this, the point is to live your life accordingly so that the former is your response.

I would say "oh boy!" without a doubt. What about you?

Balance and hope

2007-05-24T02:21:00.000-05:00

Working against me...

- I don't technically have the 1.5 years of teaching experience that is highly preferable
- I don't have experience teaching English to a Japanese population
- I don't have experience teaching to adults
- I have a North American accent and the goal of PB is to expose students to a variety of accents/nationalities
- I am an international applicant which is less preferable than those already in Japan

Working in my favour...

- I have close to enough experience
- I think I wrote a good letter and good lessons plans for my application
- I took a TESL course
- Americans are not allowed on this particular voyage because we're stopping in Cuba
- I have a great smile
- I've been crossing my fingers for days and pretty soon I might even start believe in a higher power

Speaking of believing, two questions posed in my Spirituality class today were:

1) What was your happiest time?

2) What one thing is most important about you.

Please consider.

Summer bloggin'

2007-05-22T11:00:00.000-05:00

I'm onto my last set of courses for this ol' master's degree. Sociology of Religion is one. Spirituality and education is another. Perhaps I'll develop some connection to religion or spirituality through these. I'm choosing to keep an open mind.

My application to work as a volunteer English teacher on Peace Boat has officially been received. I want it more than I've wanted anything in a long, long time, if ever.

Here is my letter:

Dear Peace Boat,

I was climbing the Great Wall of China over a year ago when I first heard of Peace Boat from an alumni GET teacher who had just completed his stint aboard. Ever since then, throughout my time teaching English in South Korea and this past year studying for my Master’s degree at home in Canada, I have been unable to get it out of my mind. Working as an English teacher on Peace Boat is something I want to do more than anything else.

The most obvious reason for my great desire to do this is to travel the world by ship. I have traveled to many places (specifically in Asia) and I have spent time on a number of cruise ships in and around the Caribbean. The feeling of arriving in a foreign place and leaving with some measure of increased understanding of that place and its people makes me a traveler at heart. The vast blue of the ocean and the sun setting below the distant horizon makes me yearn to be out on the water. A combination of the two is like a dream.

Though perhaps a less obvious reason, but certainly equally compelling for me, is my love of teaching in general and teaching English specifically. I have worked as a teacher in one way or another throughout my life; I was a swim instructor, a camp counselor, a tour guide, and a teaching assistant (many times over). Most significantly, I worked as an English teacher in South Korea for over a year. When I arrived many of my students did not even know how to count in English. By the end they were reading and understanding complex sentences. The extreme satisfaction I felt from being able to guide my students through the learning process (while simultaneously learning a great deal from them) is what compels me to teach on Peace Boat.

I feel my training and experience make me an ideal candidate for this job. Prior to departing for Korea I took a 100 hour Teaching English as a Second Language course at an accredited school (CCLCS) in Toronto, Canada. My experience in Korea was invaluable, and my education in sociology has developed my skills as a teacher and a thinker, as well as my commitment to international relations and equality for all. I would truly love to be a part of this journey; to assist the participants in spreading the message of peace around the world.

My youthful energy, love of music (I will be sure to bring my guitar and my singing voice), and creative flair will add excitement and liveliness to the trip.

I am an enthusiastic and committed young teacher, eager to participate in Peace Boat’s 59th voyage. I look forward to hearing from you in the near future.

Sincerely,

Jessica

I should hear if I get an interview by June 1st. Send me good vibes, people!

Leaving in less than a week

2007-04-26T11:51:00.000-05:00

Hello folks!

So I'm starting to feel the fever! On Wednesday my good pal Romeo and I will be flying to Halifax, Nova Scotia. We've booked two beds in an 8-bed mixed dorm at some hostel in the city, five minutes north of the downtown core and close to the waterfront. I have a newfound interest in waterfronts thanks to my current paper on waterfront revitalization. Anyway.

The prospect of staying in a hostel, meeting international laid back hippies, drinking beer and figuring out public transportation gets me giddy. But it'll be much different than the traveling crowd I encountered in Israel and Asia, I imagine. Maybe I'm wrong. And everything will be English, which takes some of the fun out of it. And it's my very own country, which adds a bit of fun... who knows the kinds of fun I'll encounter. We went with this five minute away hostel because of its 100% fun rating on hostels.com. Fun!

We're going to spend a day or so in Halifax before hitting the road in a rental car (note to self: better find out more about rental cars) and heading for Cape Breton where the nature is reputedly swell. Then we'll drive to New Glascow, a little town where old residence floormate and good friend Jackie makes her home. It's been something like three years since I've seen that girl. Wow. We'll drive into PEI and Romeo will stock up on all things Anne, before we return to Halifax in time to catch our flight to Newfoundland. Here we have a hostel booked too, but I forgot to check the fun rating. It must be good. I hear Newfoundlanders are the friendliest and have the most sex. Interesting.

I saw a commercial for Newfoundland just last night. In it people were dancing a jig to fiddles. I hope our hostel is in close proximity to a community centre.

I wonder if it'll be funny (funny-strange, not funny-ha ha, though it's guaranteed to be funny-ha ha) to travel with a boy after all my girl-on-girl traveling days. Romeo says it will be. Why? Because he can pee anywhere!!!

Going on a trip!

2007-04-15T16:27:00.000-05:00

My friends! Guess why I'm blogging, besides the news posted in the title...? I have a paper due! But of course.

Anyway, I'm going on a trip to Eastern Canada. Why? Just for fun. I'm flying to Halifax and spending a bunch of days in Nova Scotia, with the hopes of renting a car and driving to and around PEI.

Then I'll be flying from Halifax to St. John's, Newfoundland. Alright! I'm excited about going to Newfoundland most because it's so far away and so different, or at least in my mind it is. Probably I'll get there and it'll be the same, same, same. But I'll allow myself to be excited anyway.

Anyone ever go to any of these places and have recommendations about where to go/what to do? Let me know!

Alzheimers

2007-04-02T12:16:00.000-05:00

There's only so many times I can log onto Facebook in a given day, particularly when I have no new email notifications of any kind. I'm waiting for a message I'm owed.. but I got nothing.

Here I am sitting in my grandparent's living room in Montreal. This little bungalow house is where my mother grew up. They used to watch the Ed Sullivan show together in this room where I now sit. For as long as I've been alive, though, it's been just a living room. It has one long couch that's usually covered with a gold velvet couch cover, and two big arm chairs. My grandfather gets the one by the big window. My grandmother's stuck by the one near the telephone. A grandfather clock chimes every fifteen minutes. They don't hear it, I'm sure. I hear it sometimes. The rug is a faded bright blue; textured but not shag. Too bad.

My grandparents are aging and my grandmother is suffering from Alzheimers. It's sad to see, but what's worse is that her physical condition is such that she has an extremely hard time walking and moving. This makes my grandfather's job of caring for her near impossible.

I've been working on a project this weeked. I'm attempting to document the story of their lives on video. I hoped I could ask some probing questions that would open up my grandmother's mind and allower her to tell fond memories from her past. I'd heard that while Alzheimer's patients do not have access to memories from the present, they are still very much able to remember the old people and stories from the past.

For the most part I've been unsuccessful. "Tell me about your childhood" elicits a blank stare. "What kinds of games did you like to play?" gets nothing. She can remember the street name she lived on. She can remember some of her family members names.

Where I've found success is in song. She can remember and sing some of her old favourites. This makes for good documentary, I tell you what.

At one point I turned the camera around and flipped the LCD screen so we were looking at ourselves while filming. "What do you see?" I asked. "I'm an old lady!" she said with a hint of of childish whine. "Inside, what age do you feel like. If you were any age, what do you feel like you are?" Can you guess her response? I thought she'd same something like 25; you know, this time that in my mind must be the best. Early adulthood where you have independence and little responsibility. She said she feels nine. Nine years old. And when I thought about it, it didn't surprise me. She's essentially a child now; my grandfather does everything for her. Yet she fights back occassionally, demanding her own autonomy. She's a nine year old.

So I've gotten up to the time in their lives when they raised their children. I'm still going to ask them about their empty nest years, and their grandchildren years. Then I want to ask some important questions.

What advice do you have for you grandchildren and future grandchildren?
How does it feel to be where you are?
How does it feel to not remember?
What do you think about?
What makes you happy?
What scares you?

If anyone has some suggestion about a good question to ask, send it along ASAP. I am really fascinated in how it feels to be at the end of your life. To know that your health problems are permanent, your pain uncurable. How do you stay hopeful? I wish I could find out what my grandmother thinks about, whether she in fact thinks about anything besides her immediate physical state, and whether she's aware of her own condition.

A blogging break

2007-03-14T13:28:00.000-05:00

Clearly I have lost my blogging thunder. Fear not! A plan is in the works for a road/train trip across Eastern Canada at the end of April. I'll be sure to post travel related plans, stories, and pictures when the time is right.

Bola

2007-03-01T10:39:00.000-05:00

The following is a kind of lame mid-term assignment for this kind of lame course I'm taking outside my department. I'm posting it here beause it's a story about Korea. Thecourse is called Language, Culture, and Education and assignment was to "explore concretely some phenomenon which illustrates or raises questions about what we are talking about in class." For you concerned readers out there, fear not! It was not to be an academic paper.

There are currently upwards of 11,000 native English speakers living and working as English teachers in South Korea. In a population of almost fifty million, that is nothing. These teachers come to this very homogenous country and are expected to share their language skills and, sometimes, their culture. Other times, however, their cultural contributions are not welcome. Drawing from my own experience as an English teacher of very young Korean children, I will discuss the struggle that ensues when two cultures come together, particularly when a minority group teacher meets a classroom full of majority group children who have their majority group parents behind them. To begin with I will describe the setting I found myself in, before elaborating on three distinct circumstances that best demonstrate these issues. The social, cultural, and linguistic differences between these two groups resulted in often interesting, sometimes frustrating, and always enlightening experiences for all those involved.

I was working in a private kindergarten which catered to upper middle class children in a relatively small suburb of Seoul. These schools are a dime a dozen; the business of owning a school in Korea is much like owning a restaurant, a bar, or, absurdly, a church. Competition is fierce and reputation is of great importance to parents who are spending lots of money to provide their children with an early start to learning the English language and presumably living a happy and successful life. Children arrive in these English schools as young as three years old and they quickly begin learning not only to read, write, and speak, but to handle themselves in school.

We know that the goal of kindergarten in the West is ultimately to prepare children for their future lives as students and citizens. Children are taught to share, to line up, to raise their hand, to be kind to others, and to respect their teacher. It is a process of socialization. When I arrived in class on my first day, a jet-lagged and inexperienced new graduate (of a BA in Sociology, I might add), I was met with ten wide-eyed four year olds who had never stepped foot in a classroom before. Most had never even heard the English language spoken. My task was to socialize these kids to behave properly in school, to balance the expectations (both cultural and educational) of parents and employer, while maintaining my sanity and attempting to keep my own sense of morality in tact.

The first example is one of social differences that resulted in the most difficult hurdle that I had to face while teaching in South Korea. The different conceptions of age and stage appropriate learning between North America and South Korea are striking. Ten four year olds in a 20 by 12 foot room with no carpet, toys, or real downtime or outside time over the course of a four hour day would be unheard of in North America. The expectation of these little ones to sit in chairs and listen for forty minutes at a time is unfathomable to early childhood educators in Canada. This is what I was expected to do, and if I rebelled I would lose my job.

As the teacher I had some creative power over the flow of my class but essentially the structure was set up and my authority over the learning of the students was limited. The collision of social differences led sometimes to problems for me, sometimes to problems for the parents and administrators, and sometimes to a positive feeling for both. I was sure the students were not experiencing a satisfactory education and would excel much better in an environment where they had room and freedom to explore and be kids. The parents were dissatisfied if I gave the children too much free reign; they expected English only in the classroom, rigid teaching, and speedy learning from their children. I reacted by allowing the four year olds to speak Korean in the classroom for four months (longer than desired), at which point I conceded to the social norms demanded and enforced an English only ruling. Much to my surprise the children took to it easily and were speaking English, or at least some understandable form of it, soon after. Eight months after arriving in school with no English knowledge, these four year olds were reading simple sentences.

This story demonstrates the compromise between two cultures resulting when they come together. Though as the sole foreigner I probably had to bend more than they, in the end I was impressed that the system actually worked. I still feel like the environment was not ideal for children of this age, but I can see that different systems with different goals can work. Had they been able to train me to use the same behaviour management techniques that are acceptable in South Korean schools I may have had an even easier time there.

The second example is a more subtle cultural one that involves ideas of individuality and creativity. As a teacher in Korea I was often perplexed and frustrated by my students’ unwillingness to participate in spontaneously creative activities like dramatic improvisation, or simply using their imaginations in the same way that children are often expected to in North America. Much like Philips’ piece on native Warm Springs children who, when mixed into classes of white majority children, demonstrated obvious differences in communication styles, so too did the children in my classroom. As both the teacher and the minority I did my best to choose culturally appropriate activities for the children upon realizing that my original plans fell short. I also found that despite these attempts, my culture inevitably came through and the children learned to adjust in some way to my style as well.

Both Philips’ Warm Springs paper and Ogbu’s piece on Ebonics genuinely peaked my interest in the inclusion of all types of learners, particularly when the teacher shares the cultural norms of some students and not others. It is so very easy to forget the differences your students have and evaluate them according to your own rubric. With a class full of students from the majority culture, I was less able to impose my culture on them though undoubtedly I did, likely causing discomfort for both the students and myself time and time again. The Canadian context, with often much more than only one or two represented cultures with varying cultural norms, presents the challenge of treating each student in a way that best encourages learning must be an intensely difficult task.

Finally, the third example that I wish to examine is one that focuses on linguistic differences, and with so many to choose from, I will select a rather humorous anecdote that depicts the sad frustration that occurs when one simple word goes undefined. When the kindergarten students went home, elementary aged students filed in for afternoon English class after their regular Korean school let out. I was given the beginner level students (how lucky I was!) and struggled to get them started with reading, speaking, and listening. This is a particularly difficult task when students are tired, disinterested, and would rather be playing video games. Often they would misbehave in some way; speak Korean, stand up, or talk to their friends which would likely elicit a verbal response from me. “Bola”, they would respond with blank eyes. Other times I would be going through a lesson and would expect participation. “Bola”, they would say. Weeks went by. Eventually my frustrations got the best of me. I asked the Korean teacher what this mysterious “bola” means; only to find out it means “I don’t know”.

For weeks I had been frustrated, the students had been frustrated, and neither party knew what the other one was talking about. Had I, as the teacher, had the patience and initiative to find out the meaning of this simple word, my entire understanding of the students and their position in my class would have been altered. This moment clarified for me their feelings of bewilderment, for they could not even convey their lack of understanding sufficiently to me.

These three examples demonstrate the social, cultural, and linguistic differences that led to some sort of conflict during my time as an English teacher in South Korea. The position was a precarious one; to impart some of my knowledge but not all to students who were essentially teaching me in a similar fashion. Despite the examples of conflict, the experience of adjusting to cultural differences and learning to operate cohesively together was a positive one, both for my young charges and me.

Shoes in the snow

2007-02-28T16:01:00.000-05:00

The other day I was walking home in the heavy falling snow along the road with the stores and in the window of Book City was a display of Lonely Planet guides. It stopped me in my tracks. I saw South America on a shoestring and was tempted to buy it even though I have no real time in mind that would be right to go to South America on a Shoestring.

I want to go somewhere on a shoestring right this minute.

Ups and downs

2007-02-26T21:59:00.000-05:00

I'm slowly feeling less like I want to stab someone in the eyes as I lie in my downy duvet and de-fume after a trip to the laundromat. I detest the laundromat. Particularly when there are loud talkers and too few machines and BAHHH.

I slept badly. Then I arrived at school and felt a real sense of loss. Over what, you might ask? Over reading week freedom, I'm sorry to report. Being back to school blows.

I worked out hard at the gym which made me feel good, particularly because of the huge bag of Smartfood D'Arcy and I devoured yesterday as well as all the other shit I've been inhaling lately. Lots of it. I need to balance the input with output. I think I need to increase my meal sizes so I feel less like snacking all day long. We'll see how that works.

Today walking home from school in the thick snow which has been coming down all day, though, I felt wonderful. You know that quiet feeling in the air of a wintery dusk? Every now and then I feel the need to remove the headphones and listen to the sounds of my walk home, which are usually quiet, peaceful, and much appreciated. Though I often find myself ruining the quiet with my own rendition of cheesy '80s love songs. What can I do?

I went to a talk today by the director general of Human Resources etc. etc. Canada. They are doing a recruitment program, hiring researchers and policy analysts to work in Hull, Quebec. It's a job. But the thought of a job in Hull, Quebec researching about, say, electricity and its policy and hoping that the minister might attempt to make some change based on my research makes me shudder with dread. Maybe I'll apply. The salary is good. It will ruin my spirit. I can't do it.

So now I have laundry to fold and homework to do and sleep to catch up on.

Blogging as procrastination

2007-02-23T11:05:00.000-05:00

Last night I went to see a play called "The Overcoat" which had no words. If I could describe it with actions for you I would.

So I have a goal to write a 3-5 page discussion paper by 1pm. It's now 11am and I just made a brief outline. Time for a break. My original goal was to have this sucker finished on Wednesday but you win some and you lose some.

Left in the semester:

1) Lead a class discussion (next week)
2) Do a three minute presentation and write an accompanying four page paper on something to do with culture and education and language. (this week)
3) Do a final group assignment that won't be so bad. (April 6th)
4) write a 10 - 15 page paper on something to do with culture, education, and langauge. (late April)
5) write a 25 to 30 page proposal on something to do with urban sociology. (Early May)

All this in two months - could be much worse! Whoo! Except that last one will be no fun at all. Not one ounce of fun. Zero fun. Yup.

I need a job!

2007-02-21T13:31:00.000-05:00

In December I submitted an application to the federal government of Canada's general recruitment job search program thing in an attempt to get a job at Statistics Canada. They have this post-secondary recruitment program where they pay you well and teach you well and give you a career. That's what I need!

So I submitted my application and waited. Waited, waited, waited. The goverment requires waiting, so I'm told.

A few weeks ago my friend at my RA job tells me she's been shortlisted for the job. I have heard nothing. What??? It makes no sense. Why? I'll tell you why.

She is taking a year off between her undergraduate degree and her MA. She's a very strong student and research assistant. I, on the other hand, will have my MA and two PhD level stats courses behind me. Clearly I have lots of stats cred to make me an ideal candidate!

So it made no sense that I didn't get shortlisted too, and I felt disappointed and perlexed.

Luckily, I have a friend who works at said goverment organization. She's looking into it for me. Apparently they are just as perplexed as to why my application didn't get picked up by their computer program that detects appropriate candidates.

Keep your fingers crossed that connections will prevail for me.

If I did get this job I'd have to move to Ottawa. Hmmm.. Ottawa.

Last night I saw a rockin' concert by a band called Apples in Stereo. Check them out. They are hip and cool.

I'm on holiday!

2007-02-19T13:49:00.000-05:00

Hello Folks,

You can blame facebook for stealing away my blogging time.

So I'm on holiday! It's reading week and despite my full intentions of spending my days reading I've been sitting here on my black Ikea chair, feet up on my black Ikea foot stool, amending my facebook profile and developing a crick in my neck - clearly not the kind of reading I'd intended. Lame, lame, lame. Oh, I've also been listening to a gardening show on CBC radio 1. I think it's now a book review show. Better since I have zero interest in gardening.

I have to go to the gym to make up for the excessive amounts of cheese fondue and chocolate cake I ate yesterday. I've lost control!

I was reading an old journal from a few years ago - before the blogging days when I used pen and notebook. I was about 22 and was struggling with questions of identity and things. Two things I wrote struck me. First, I said that I felt like my adult self was a stranger. I didn't feel like the person I was then would remain. This is no longer at all true. I feel like I am myself and will forever be this self, and I think I've indeed changed since I wrote those words. Second, I said that I was jealous of a friend of mine who said, "I love my life." I didn't love mine. Now I do. I feel like this time ranks as tops in the life of me. Loving life feels pretty damn good.

Hopefully that continues into next year when I leave school and start work of some kind or another.

What job should I get, I wonder....

On love - a belated Valentine's Day post

2007-02-15T10:52:00.000-05:00

"In ancient times people weren't just male or female, but one of three types: male/male, male/female, or female/female. In other words, each person was made out of the components of two people. Everyone was happy with this arrangement and never really gave it much thought. But then God took a knife and cut everybody in half, right down the middle. So after that the world was divided into just male and female, the upshot being that people spend their time running around trying to locate their second half."

- from Haruki Murakami's Kafka on the Shore, referencing Aristophames in Plato's Symposium

24

2007-02-12T19:18:00.000-05:00

It's my birthday! Hey, it's also the one time ever that my age is double the date. February 12. Twenty four. You see? Amazing.

I had a birthday party on Saturday night - my friends came over for chips, pizza, and cake before we all headed out dancing. It was a great time. I love my friends. Even if they make me look 8 feet tall. I'm not!

Usually I'm not so big on receiving gifts. It's not that I don't like them, but more that I'm pretty particular about what I like and don't like and usually I don't like what others give me, so I have to pretend to be excited about a bottle of body wash. I know, I know, it's the thought that counts, but when there's clearly very little thought, I'd rather not be bothered.

So Romeo comes in with this big gift bag. How sweet. It turns out it's from everybody who came to my party from school (and some who couldn't make it.)

After the pizza and before the cake it was decided that I'd open the gift. There were three things inside. The first was a heavy thing that felt like computer paper. I opened it up to find two music books: one of guitar songs and one of the Little Shop of Horrors score. Nice! Who would have guessed they'd be so thoughtful and get me something I'd actually like? Not that they aren't thoughtful. It's tough to be thoughtful, that's all.

Next was a recorder. That's cute. I like the recorder.

The last part of the gift was the real kicker. Only a few days ago I'd told Romeo how I always wanted one and whenever I pass by a pawn shop I think about buying one but never do. When I opened up the package and found a clarinet I was overwhelmed.

So overwhelmed that I cried.

Not only because it's pretty sweet to get something you've always wanted, but because it is so incredible to have people organize together to do something really special for you. I feel really lucky to have all the friends that I do, and to have met such great new people this year.

And I love my new clarinet!

These days

2007-02-08T19:21:00.000-05:00

Things are going so well I've had no time to blog. Actually, our router is broken so my internet time is preciously spent doing more vital things. Like facebooking.

Why are things going so well, you ask?

Well, I like my courses, for one. Or, more accurately, I like one course a lot. It's my research methods class that I'm doing the study on plastic surgery. I love the atmosphere and the readings and the professor. I love how it feels like a collective group of learners instead of a group of people trying to impress each other with their previous knowledge. It's great.

My other two classes are okay.

Overall I feel like I have much more control of my time and my life this semester. I'm not in the computer lab every single day working on stats which adds a little something.

Last week I got a rockin' haircut and then twisted my ankle. Today a bus driver saw me running to catch the bus but slowly pulled away, looking me right in the eye.

I have tests to grade galore and I will get to them ASAP.

It's damn cold out and in.

Last night I went out with my old friend and didn't realize how much alcohol those martini's packed. Ouch.

Tomorrow I have a second date with a cute boy.

Saturday night I'm having a birthday party. For my birthday is on Monday. Don't forget! I have no plans. Actually, I plan to receive birthday wish calls all night long. ;)

So that's the scoop. When we replace our router I'll be sure to get back in the swing of things.

Lazy Me

2007-02-03T18:22:00.000-05:00

I can't seem to want to post anything this week. Why? Don't know.

Dan's visit was very, very lovely. He thought Toronto was swell. It is, really. We ate some great food and he did lots of walking around.

I got a fantabulous haircut yesterday at the Aveda haircutting school which cost me only 14 dollars. Thank goodness - I couldn't handle that blunt cut any longer. I'll show a picture sometime soon.

Today I slept the whole day. What? School? What? Grading and reading and reading some more? Pshh.

My birthday is on the 12th and I'm having a birthday party on Saturday night. Should be a good time.

Me and Boys

2007-01-23T22:15:00.001-05:00

My friend Matt and I are going to be performing at a talent night. Talent? What?

Remember when I bought a guitar in Seoul during my first week of being there? I saw what I thought was a near-murder on the subway, until the train pulled away and revealed a camera crew and I cried tears of fright and overwhelmedness and homesickness and aloneness? And then I practiced off and on throughout my year in Korea?

Well.

I am sometime soon going to debut my guitar playing skill.

I have sang at coffeehouses and things before but playing guitar is a whole 'nother story.

We had our second actual practice today and went from beginner to novice on one song. It's fantastic. We're fantastic. Music is fantastic.

The other day my school friends came over and we drank wine and sang show tunes. It was fantastic too. They're great, my school friends.

Here are the school friends.

Here I am with school friend Romeo. Having a friend whose name is actually Romeo is fantastic.

Even class was fantastic today.

Dan comes tomorrow. Hmm.. what shall we do in Toronto? (Look at this old picture of me with curly hair.)

Why all the pictures? I have awfully awful readings to do tonight. I already ate too many things and played music and checked facebook ten times so I figured I'd blog.

Jessica's "how-much-guessing-game" challenge!

2007-01-22T21:06:00.000-05:00

I love the grocery store in Chinatown! Check out today's loot:

I got bananas, noodles, honey peas, australian apples, cherries, an English cucumber, two three-packs of garlic, mushrooms, seven small Asian pears, a leaf lettuce head, four small red peppers, two yellow peppers, three American tomatoes, two cut broccoli heads, two small bok choys, a celery stalk thing, and two green peppers.

Two questions for you that you must answer if you are caught reading this: How much would this cost you at a grocery store? How much do you think I paid in Chinatown?

This may be the highlight of my week - don't let me down.

The answer will come when enough guesses have been registered.

For dinner I made this lovely stirfry.

Just kidding about my weekly highlight. Dan is coming to visit! Yay Dan!

a lucky break

2007-01-20T10:22:00.000-05:00

My group of four split up in the morning armed with letters on U of T letterhead, addresses of plastic surgery clinics in the city, and a plan; to set up as many interviews with practitioners as possible.

We're doing a research project on the 'preservation of youth', so hoping to speak with people who are in the business of anti-aging, whether that be surgery, creams, or anything else related to this idea.

Jen and I took off for our addresses, all located in and around Yorkville where the rich people hang out and where the bulk of plastic surgery clinics are. We walked in to many more than orignally were on our list and found that people were generally quite receptive to our requests. I guess we have more legitimacy as grad students than as something else. Or maybe people are always relatively receptive. I didn't think they would be.

We'd booked three or four actual interviews and had a number of leads before we headed to our last location - its name, "the Fountain of Youth." We did our thing for one girl. She looked uncomfortable and passed us off to another. Who passed us off to another. Who said, "I have some time now. Why don't you come in and interview me." Ahhhh.

We got one question into the interview (thankfully we had some questions prepared) when she was called out of the room. She poked her head back in two minutes later and said, "I'm going to give a woman some Botox injections. Come and watch."

We struck gold. We ended up watching not only the Botox but also a breast augmentation consultation which later turned into a lip injection (this is quite a business), and a mole removal. It was ridiculously unethical and amazing. The woman who let us watch all this stuff was nuts.

The lessons learned are that people love to talk about themselves and that nobody involved in plastic surgery wants to be considered one of "those people" who go over the top, even if they come in for their boobs and end up talking about what they plan for their nose, lips, and cheek lines.

It will be a very interesting project. Stay tuned!

I should be suspended from class. I don't know my elbow from my ass.

2007-01-18T00:28:00.000-05:00

I can't seem to get that song out of my head.

And I can't seem to get imposter's syndrome out of my conscience.

I was excited last week and this week I'm bummed. Bummed bummed bummed. Not because I got 84% in both Immigration and Theory (one percent away from an A in both), exactly. More because of feelings of humilation for submitting a bad paper to my supervisor with embarassingly negative comments all over it. And because my paper on suicide bombers that I worked hard on is still worth only an A-, the lowest 'good' grade one receives in grad school. Most of all because I'm more and more aware all the time that academia is not for me and that I don't know what is for me.

My inappropriate advisor told me she thinks I look depressed and flat. I was feeling fine then. Today I'm feeling depressed and flat. What an inspiration! What guidance!

Don't let it get to you, self.

Monday morning and it's hailing

2007-01-15T06:57:00.000-05:00

I need to go back to sleep right now.

First I'll quickly tell you that I was a movie-watching fiend this weekend: I saw Half Nelson, some rented movie to do with shrinks and dating and Jews, and Dreamgirls. Yeah, Dreamgirls! Music is lovely.

This week I have many, many things to do. Mostly good things. Maybe I'll win a prize today. I'll let you know.

By the way, what should I do with my life?

Outsider me

2007-01-11T11:09:00.000-05:00

In every class there is usually at least one student from outside the department. Though generally friendly, we sociology students are obviously a close-knit group, not to mention the fact that outsiders are usually smarter, so said outsiders are often given nick-names and things. In other words, they stand out.

Today I'm traipsing over to OISE, the school of education, for a class on Education, Language, and Culture. I wonder what the other students will be like who are doing their Master's (and maybe PhD) in education. Older, ex-teachers? Young people? Men?? Unlikely. I'll get to be the outsider for a change. Maybe I'll get a nickname.

Getting sick of hearing about school?

I bought a subscription for theatre tickets today. And I've been doing poorly with my plan to reduce internet time.

Another good class? Is it possible?

2007-01-09T22:21:00.000-05:00

Oh joy!

I have to contrast this first class of qualitative methods with the first class of theory last semester. Back then we all had something to prove. The atmosphere was stiff and scared. We went around the room and introduced ourselves, "My name is ______ and I'm interested in the cross-sectionality of _____ and ______ and how that reflects the post-modern blah blah blah-ism." It was brutal.

Today we were greeted with a young, curly-haired professor with almost stylish frames and a warm smile. She hesitated at allowing two non-sociology students to enroll in the class because she likes to use this opportunity as a sociology bonding moment. We don't need it - it's already done. Again, we went around the room describing our interests, and also our goals for academia. Almost every single one of us said this: I am undecided about whether I want to do a PhD. Applications are due in less than a month.

Qualitative research is what I've been missing! It fits me to a T! Forget statistics and everything it stands for! Sure it's given much more credit, funding, and worth in the field, but qualitative has something that, for me at least, stats lacks. Creativity. Gone are dull, data driven papers (feel free to argue with me about my use of 'dull'), and instead there is room for creative writing that is easy - even enjoyable - to read. Ahh.

Not only that but this kind of methodology allows for interaction with real, live people. And not just academic people in a conference stroking each other's egos and other things. The professor was sure to tell us that a qualitative researcher ought not to use academic language to ask questions. It's simplicity that generates the most interesting stuff. That's great. I love that. I hate the opposite of that which is why I've hated grad school up until this point. Qualitative, I love you.

We have to do a research project and the only guidelines are that we study some group related to the politics of preservation. Some examples are those that preserve languages at threat of extinction, the preservation of Quebec nationalism, or the preservation of cheese makers.

I have formed a group and we're thinking of ideas. The preservation of Jewish culture? The preservation of natural beauty? The preservation of live theatre? The preservation of books? What do you think, you brilliant people out there?

One method of qualitative research is photography. I want to do that! Qualitative, I love you.

Heavy eye lids but no sleep a' comin'

2007-01-09T00:58:00.000-05:00

Can't sleep at 1 am. Why not? Because I slept from about 7:30 until about 1o this evening. Why? Two reasons.

The first is that I got a call from the doctor this morning: I do indeed have strep throat. Isn't that lovely. I could have had antibiotics on Friday had they run their easy-to-run throat swab the same day I went to see them. Instead I got to spend the weekend in pain and fever, thinking it would just clear up on it's own.

Upon receiving the call this morning, interestingly, I felt decidedly worse. My kidneys hurt. I was tired early. I had a headache that wouldn't quit.

The second reason for the nap is my new goal to reduce internet time. Instead I was reading in bed. Hence the falling asleep. Obviously that would happen.

Guess what? I'm broke. Where's my January cheque?

Today I had a talk with my advisor. What are my plans, she wanted to know. I'm going to work for a while and see where that takes me. In what field? Research, I suppose. I'm counting on a job at Statistics Canada that I applied for in December and still haven't heard back from. I think I'm an ideal candidate. She wants to know what skills I have that make me a good researcher. Good question. I hate researching. Why would I want to go into research? I told her I am a good writer and a hard worker when I'm interested. She told me not to say that in a job interview. Thanks for the tip. She has connections in the field so hopefully she can hook me up. Too bad I don't do a good job for her in my research work. She apologized for this week's grunt work. I told her I like grunt work. I'm a born grunt worker.

I shared with her the magical secret of ratemyprofessors.com and she was excited. Lucky she likes my personality or I'd be canned, I think.

My first class, Urban Sociology, was a ball. The professor is an older man with messed up hair because he rests his laced palms heavily upon his head. He talked for the whole two hours plus five extra minutes despite it being the first class. His final paper requirement is my longest yet: 25-30 pages. Shall I start early?

There are three students in the class from Geography and they know everything already. All the sociologists know nothing. Ha. But the one geography guy's voice shook when he made an unimportant comment.

The atmosphere was relaxed and I was able to speak freely. I tried to define the word hobo and was all wrong. Do you know what the definition of hobo is? No cheating allowed.

Tomorrow I have my Qualitative Research Methods class and i just received word that my professor is an ex-comedian. What could be finer than that???

Any good music recommendations out there?

A new start

2007-01-07T22:42:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow begins the second semester of my master's degree in sociology. Let me recap semester one for myself.

I found it to be very heavy and constantly weighing on me. My time felt always consumed, despite spending very little of it actually studying. I hardly did any readings for my theory class, I often felt inadequate in my statistics class, and I did what I had to do for my immigration class. Despite what I'd been promised, I never experienced a moment of mind-blown-ness. Instead I just felt disheartened and unimpressed by academia.

I worked as a teaching assistant which really meant grader of bad papers and hated those weekends spent devoted to that. I worked as a research assistant and hated the feeling of passivity, or non-motivation that I always felt when doing the work.

The first month was difficult, that first stats midterm brought me to tears, and I rarely arrived home before 8 or 9pm. It was tough. And I got it in my head that I hated grad school. Maybe I do, but after the first month things were really not so bad.

This semester is going to be different. Here's why.

My three courses are less intense. That statistics course I took is the dreaded PhD required course that everyone thinks of as a huge obstacle to overcome. Done and done. Theory also is something I am not at all interested in. Done. My immigration class had us writing much more than other courses require. Done. My three new courses this semester are interesting and fresh, all with professors who score highly on ratemyprofessor.com (very crucial, you know.) I'm taking urban sociology, qualitative research methods, and a course at the school of education called something like Education, culture, and language.

Not only that, but my teaching assistant job for this semester is for an undergraduate level statistics course. The grading I will be doing is for math tests! Yeehaw! This is MUCH better than papers. Much, much, much.

The research assistant job may be the same, though my supervisor told me that I may be able to do some data analysis which may be more interesting than what I was doing before. We shall see.

So I'm feeling optimistic. I have also made some plans to re-claim my interests. I'm going to play my guitar more often, and perhaps my trumpet. I'm going to enroll in bellydancing and continue going regularly to the gym. And I'm going to go to the theatre and to concerts more often. In order to do all that I'm going to cut my facebook/online activities down substantially. Not blogging, of course.

And I'll take it from there.

People

2007-01-06T18:10:00.000-05:00

The twenty year old hostess at Swiss Chalet looks at me and smiles warmly, "getting ready to go back to school?"

I hesitate for a brief second, "yeah..."

She goes on to answer my father's question. She's taking hospitality and something-something at Ryerson. She turns to me, "are you in university, or are you in highschool?"

I smile coyly and reply stiffly just for kicks 'cause it's fun to make people feel dumb sometimes, "I'm doing graduate work at U of T."

Her face is funny to look at.

***

I had another good interaction to report but I've forgotten. Oh yes.

I'm talking to my mother on my cellphone while standing in the empty downstairs lobby of the walk-in clinic. She is reporting the latest difficult time my grandparents had with their aging selves. She cries and talks. I cry and listen. Not a noisy or obvious cry but a few tears escaping cry. A young guy about my age stops, looks conccerned, and asks quietly if I'm okay. I smile and nod, and he moves along.

What a stand-up fellow.

***

A guy I dated in September who has since moved to my street and become my friend told me why he wasn't all that into me then. (This wasn't the one I really liked who said he didn't feel romantic connection. This was the one I met in Tokyo months ago who came from my neighbourhood in Thornhill and was teaching in Osaka. And now lives on my street downtown. It's hard to keep them straight, I know.) My guesses would have been that I'm a bit weird and tend to say oddball things, or that, I don't know, my height bothered him. Turns out he didn't like the fact that he didn't feel dominant with me. Apparently I made the first moves and that didn't bode well. Interesting. I know about this dominance thing but doesn't a guy like when a girl takes the reins once in a while in a shocking over-the-table kiss? Come on, who's with me?

Strike up the band

2007-01-06T01:23:00.000-05:00

It's really amazing how my quality of life really improves when I don't have guilt about schoolwork hanging over my head. Seriously. I feel footloose and fancy-free.

Today I went to the walk-in clinic after the worst night ever. I'm talking hourly waking up, terrible sore throat, and sweating-through-pj's fever. The worst. Then to the walk-in clinic so the doctor could hear my plea and say "yeah, everyone has this. It's probably nothing. I'll swab ya and tell you on Monday if it's strep but it's probably not." Swell.

Then I came to Thornhill for kicks and had Swiss Chalet with my parents. That sauce is a dream come true, I tell you what.

I played my trumpet this afternoon in my old room and liked it. I think I may find a band. Yep, that's what I'll do.

Frown

2007-01-04T17:54:00.000-05:00

Semester one is officially complete! And just in time for the weekend!

Also, just in time for this damn sore throat and a likely fever to make me feel like sleeping all day and all night. Boo.

I had to submit my paper to this online service called Turnitin which notifies the professor of plaigarism. Yikes. The prof I TA'd for showed me what it looks like from his perspective. Each student has a percentage listed next to their name of the amount of un-cited material. I wonder what percentage I got. This is slightly unnerving.

In potentially my last shopping hurrah before second semester begins, I bought two overpriced pairs of jeans this afternoon. One even has skinny legs. What is going on with me? Don't worry - I didn't get Uggs. The weather was so beautiful, I even took off my coat and strolled in the sunshine.

The other day my old friend Robin from Montreal paid me a visit and we took a long walk in the city, from my place all the way to this newly-coolifying neighbourhood called Lesleyville. I think the walk took us two hours with some short stops along the way. Not too bad.

Traffic at the gym has increased significantly; a phenomenon that regularly occurs after New Years. I say by February first it will be back to normal.

Now I'm at school waiting for my pal Jessica to finish off her work so we can head out for dinner. My supervisor just came in and called me useless. Fantabulous!

2007-01-04T08:34:00.000-05:00

I have finished writing! All I need to do is edit and write the bibliography and I'm done. Alright!

Ouch!

2007-01-04T06:49:00.000-05:00

It's a quarter to seven in the morning. I'm on holiday. Why am I awake? Because my throat is a fiery pit of pain! Ahh! I've been in the process of running away from a cold all week but I think it's finally got me.

Did I finish the paper as planned yesterday? Of course not. I worked off and on all day long until about 4:00 when I decided to hell with it and went to the gym, out for dinner and to see a movie. I came home at ten and finished the introduction. Now I have only have one and a quarter pages left to fill with some sort of conclusion. I think I'll do it now, as soon as this post is finished.

Why must sore throats be so very, very sore?

I went on a date recently with this fellow who talked constantly about movies and television shows. To each actor name or movie title I had to respond with something along the lines of, "I don't know him/I haven't seen it." I don't watch that. He would respond in a way that drives me batty, "you don't KNOW it?!?!" No, I don't, and I feel like my life is pretty full, thank you. Don't make it seem like my world is going to end because I haven't watched some bullshit TV show.

It reminds me of the time a sheltered friend in university pitied me for not having a Christmas tree or Santa growing up: "You mean you don't even have Santa?? Poooor youuu!!!" No, not poor me. There is happiness in life without Santa.

Anyway, twice it's happened on dates that I say something like "I don't know anything about popular culture these days" and then the guy says "so what do you know about?" I stare blankly at them for a moment and they then say "statistics and sociology?" and I nod and smile. But that's not even the truth because I don't know all that much about these things.

What do I know about? What are my interests? I spend all my time doing next to nothing on the internet. That should be an interest. I'm interested in boys. I can talk about that for a long time. Man, I need more substance in my life. I'm going to start belly dancing again. Now THAT will give me substance.

My throat is hurting slightly less. Perhaps those two extra strength advils are taking effect. I don't want to end this post because it will mean writing that conclusion.

Ready, set, go

2007-01-03T10:43:00.000-05:00

I am still on holiday but because I chose to prolong the pain and get an extension, I have a paper to finish writing. Luckily I've been doing a little bit each day for the past few days so today, the last day I've given myself for writing, only requires that six more pages be written out of fifteen. Not the end of the world. It's quarter to eleven now. Let's see how long this badboy takes.

In the meantime, here is a picture of me and my cute friends on New Years.

Happy New Year!

2007-01-01T22:22:00.000-05:00

While I could blog about my fantastic trip to San Francisco and Los Angeles, I won't. I'm tired and can't be bothered. It was fantastic though. A huge contrast between the two places, and while it was really nice seeing my aunt and doing some other things in LA, I recommend San Fran far more for the young walker-arounder. Far far more.

Happy New Year! My Italian/Beatles song lyric dinner party was a smash success with dishes like "Here comes the sun" Italian salad, "Penne" lane, Octopus' Garden Pesto and also lasagne, Cheese Please Me and "Love me do, cheese fondu". I'm salivating just thinking about it. And ill, thinking about how much cheese fondu I ate. Mmm... cheese fondu.

I can remember quite a few of my past many New Years celebrations, which surprises me.

2006: On the beach in Phuket watching fireworks and lanterns float into the sky with Darce and Sara and Barb
2005: In Montreal, dancing with underage marines with Wendy and Robin
2004: Filling the tank at a gas station with then boyfriend Michael
2003: In Ottawa on the hill where nothing happened with then boyfriend Matt
2002: At friend's house in Thornhill with then boyfriend Matt and other pals, eating candy and drinking something like Mike's Hard Lemonade, likely
2001: This is where the memories end

After the dinner party we went out to an Irish bar where drinks found themselves into my lap twice and 21 year old boys bought us drinks (their first ever bought for girls, I might add) and couldn't get over the age difference. I think even the term 'cougar' came up. Man.

Last Night

2006-12-28T02:59:00.000-05:00

I'm traveling with my friend Jordana. We've known each other since high school but really became friends in university. We also went to Mexico together a few May's ago.

Anyway.

She's a big hockey fan and I'm always up for hot dogs so we decided to go to the LA vs. Pheonix game last night. We tried getting tickets online but it was near impossible (and we didn't want to spend forty bones on thirty bone tickets) so we headed down to the Staples center to try our hand with scalpers.

Actually we first gave the box office a try, waiting in the long lineup only to find out the remaining tickets cost no less than $125. We walked away dejectedly, wondering if there were any movie theatres or restaurants in the neighbourhood.

Then we met a man. He had tickets for forty dollars. We wondered if they were legit but took a risk and bought them.

Then we watched the most exciting hockey game ever. EVER. Slow start. Goal by other team. LA tied it up, then pulled ahead, then Pheonix tied it up. Then Pheonix scored again. Then in the last thirty seconds of the game LA tied it up again. Then overtime. Then a shootout. Then a win! The crowd went wild! We went wild! I ate nachos!

What a night.

I'm here!

2006-12-25T01:19:00.000-05:00

From Wednesday morning at 5:45am until Sunday evening at 6:00pm, I have undergone the longest period of no-internet access/internet usage in my internet-ed life. And I survived to tell the tale.

I don't even really feel like writing about things because I'm so not addicted or into the internet...

Today Jordana and I drove from San Francisco to LA along the windy, hilly cliff that overlooks the Pacific and is bordered by highway 1. What a way to get back in the driver's seat after over a year and a half of a driving hiatus. I love driving! I prefer mountain-lined straight freeway, though, in many ways, to curves and hills and near-deaths. That's a joke, we had no near deaths.

We did have a great time in San Fran, though. It's a rad city and we ticked all the touristy things off our list and then some. Even experienced their coldest day ever AND two (two!) earthquakes. Small ones, but earthquakes non-the-less. I was wondering why my bed rocked a little bit one afternoon. Yes, I even spent some time in bed in the afternoon. What a great holiday.

America has some great things. Particularly California. Like Tri-Tip! And Coldstone! And huge portions! And lines that are well thought-out. And The Cheesecake Factory! And I've gained ten pounds in four days, no question. My belly hurts. All the time.

Now that we're in LA I'm not sure what we're going to do. We're staying with my aunt who lives in Playa del Ray - near the LAX airport. Tonight we ate pizza and watched a movie about crossword puzzlers. It's called Word Play. It's good. I want to have a passion that I've been nursing since childhood, even if it makes me a geek who attends ridiculous weekend puzzler conferences. Reminds me of how I used to wish I had a twin sibling.

Well, bed is calling. I'll be home in time for New Years. Dinner party at my place, y'all. Merry Christmas to you.

Prolonging the pain

2006-12-18T16:43:00.000-05:00

Noo!!! I've gone and done the worst thing ever - I got an extension on my immigration paper. Now my holiday will not be my own.

Oh well.

I leave on Wednesday for California. San Francisco and LA here I come!!!

Pointers? Tips? Anyone?

Happy Chanukah!

2006-12-18T02:05:00.000-05:00

My parents had a party and both my brothers came and we all brought some friends.

It was great fun. Except for the time when brother Brian and I fake wrestled and I fell and broke the door in front of everyone. Why do I always come off as a freak-a-zoid?

Sunday

2006-12-17T16:58:00.000-05:00

Lazy and a procrastinating pro, I have hardly done any work on my immigration paper all day. And I meant to finish it tomorrow. Noo!

I was wondering why my cell-phone alarm didn't do its job either yesterday or today. Then I realized it's the weekend. Who knew?

This afternoon I drank a coffee which makes me feel crazy, as does the spring-like weather and sunshine which is now gone, gone, gone.

Tonight is a big, bad Chanukah party at mom and pops with both brothers and friends. Should be smashing. I need to collect my laundry now.

Peace.

Next in line!

2006-12-16T20:16:00.000-05:00

I finished, I finished, I finished. The grading that is. Fourteen and a half hours yesterday and about three hours this morning was all it took. I think if I were to strategically place my paper in a pile to be graded I would want it near the beginning but not the very first. The last ten are definitely the worst off. Uh huh.

This week has been full o' Christmas parties. I took many, many pictures which you can check out online.

Here are some for pictures of my life of late:

These are the ladies I research with out for lunch with our supervisor at the faculty club. How very fancy it was.

Here are some of my classmates at the faculty Christmas party on Thursday night. People kept expressing such surprise that we actually like each other and insist on spending time together.

This is the sky as seen from my walk to school on Friday. It's lovely.

This is me, modeling some new clothes I bought for myself on Thursday when I should have been grading but instead went shopping and had fun spending too much money. I was impatient for the flash, hence the crazy-face.

That's all she wrote. Now I must, must, must edit my suicide bomber paper and write some kind of conclusion. Tonight! Then tomorrow I start my immigration paper and Monday I finish it. Whoo!

2006-12-15T22:57:00.000-05:00

If only you (you who I cannot guess because I have no more brain) were correct in your calculations.

It is now 10:57 and I have 17 more papers to grade. I'm going to try to do seven before bed and then finish the rest off tomorrow.

My eyes are burning.

It's the first night of Chanukah.

...

2006-12-15T18:12:00.000-05:00

Grading now for close to nine hours. Almost halfway done. I hate the world. And all students everywhere. Even myself. Is it dinner time?

Help!!!

2006-12-15T15:06:00.000-05:00

Today is dedicated to grading papers. I have 47 to grade. I started at 9:30. Now it's 3:07. I have 12 graded.

Which means I have 35 left. And they must be finished by tomorrow. And then I have to write a long paper by Tuesday.

Life sucks.

If you come to school and grade with me I'll pay you.

Actually making progress

2006-12-13T21:13:00.000-05:00

Well, well, well! It's only a quarter after nine in the evening and I've got a mere three and a bit more pages left to write. How did that even happen?? I still have to write an introduction, a conclusion, and one other key point (which I haven't figured out yet, but I will soon enough). That should be perfect. Yay!

Last night the entire MA cohort had a Non-denominational Holiday Party and Gift Steal. It was fantastic. There was food, and fun-ness, and great gifts. I got a tool kit. I needed a tool kit! At least twice I've lamented not having a hammer and now not only do I have one of those, but I also have a measuring tape, some pliers, two screwdrivers, and some other stuff. Can't beat that. Well, I suppose you can beat that. Other good gifts were: women's underwear, a USB key, a Kama Sutra book, a piece of artwork, a hip Toronto 'zine collection, a Chinese tea set, and some other things that slip my mind. I feel lucky with my tool kit. The gift I brought was a U of T t-shirt which was alright and well-liked by its recipient.

I didn't get to go shopping yesterday as planned so now I have nothing to wear to the faculty Christmas party that's happening tomorrow at a pub. Open bar and kitchen! Right on! I need an outfit. And a new mp3 player because I lost my ipod which I bought at Technomart from a very cute man who had me call him Opa and who wanted to drink beer and eat some crazy food with me but it never happened. I want an FM tuner on my next player and I'm considering not being sucked in my the crazy apple marketing scheme. I don't know if I can. That shuffle's mighty cute. Maybe tomorrow I'll go shopping for a bit.

Back to work. You should see my desk. I look very academic.

Chug-a-chug-a-chug-a-chug.

2006-12-13T12:31:00.000-05:00

That stats exam was a piece of cake! Alright! Onto the next item on the list: finish that damn paper from last week - and that's to be done by tonight if it's the last thing I do.

I got a stack of papers to grade and the prof casually said he needs the grades by Saturday. This Saturday. Screw you, asshole.

After that I have one more paper to do by Tuesday and then I'm off to California on Wednesday. Can I do it??!? I have no choice.

Bahh. Better get to work.

Fan-stats-ic!

2006-12-11T17:59:00.000-05:00

Lame title, I know. I never claimed to be cool.

Tomorrow is the big, bad statistics exam. Perhaps some of you recall when my heart and soul were eaten right out of me during the midterm. Luckily I feel surprisingly well-prepared for tomorrow. We'll see. I've also scheduled in a shopping spree for tomorrow afternoon so I'm feeling good.

As a necessary part of my studying I have fallen victim to the grips of yet another internet addiction. It's called Facebook, and for those out of the loop, it's basically an online network where people collect lists of friends from different areas in their lives and display these lists, photos, and other things about them so everyone can see how many people they've crossed paths with in one way or another since birth. Great. It's pretty ridiculous, I guess, but it's also incredibly fun to see who knows who still and what so-and-so looks like ten years later.

Add me! Add me!

Today I fulfilled my undergraduate goal - to dine at the faculty club. My advisor/professor/mentor/employer took all her RA's out for lunch. What a let down. The food was good, I'll admit, but the aged white population mixed with the heavy wood and awful wallpaper and minority staff made me want to hurl. The wine steward, Jim, was dashing. Monica gave all of us planners from Holt Renfrew with our initials monogrammed (?) on the cover. Holt Renfrew makes me want to hurl, but I do like my initials.

To top off this one fine day, I just went for my first real outdoor run since the one time in 7th grade when Alexis and I wanted to be hip and healthy so we ran halfway to Bishop's Cross before it started to rain and her mother came and picked us up. I ran East on Ulster to Markham, up to Harbord, across to Grace, South to College, and home. The Christmas lights on Grace look sparkly on wet pavement.

They are selling dreidel cookies at the Second Cup in the JCC and I heard a little boy tell his father that he liked his 'dustpan'. Ha.

Extravaganza what?!?!

2006-12-09T12:10:00.000-05:00

The plan has been revised: write two and a half pages each day for the next three days and then the paper will be finished. Why kill myself...

Plus last night instead of working I hung out with my friend.

Three days until my statistics exam, for which I'm shaking in my boots. Any pros in HLM, Panel, and Event-History want to be my tutor?

Extravaganza continues

2006-12-08T23:30:00.000-05:00

After I made dinner plans and blogged I chatted with my mom on the phone until dinner time.

Sushi was pretty good.

Then I came home and finished a job application (which I'll tell you about soon).

Then I typed my essay intermittently while chatting to all my program-mates about how much work we have to do.

Then I ate an apple.

Then I chatted more.

Now it's 11:30 and I have four of twenty pages typed. The trouble with this is that I'm nowhere near done at according to my outline I should actually have six pages typed. Ah well, the outline has been revised and myself two hours from now will not be pleased.

One page down, nineteen more to go

2006-12-08T18:09:00.000-05:00

Alright, folks, let it begin! The Friday night final-paper writing extravaganza! And I just made dinner plans...

It's okay and under control. I've made myself a false deadline for my theory paper and that's tonight at any time. I have most of my ideas outlined in detail, ready to be typed, though I haven't quite yet figured out my actual argument...

I'm writing on Durkheim (a famous sociologist from the late 19th century), his definition of altruistic suicide, and sucide bombers. Is you is or is you ain't an altruistic suicide?

Today was the official last day of classes for semester one. Hip hip hooray! I may have a near breakdown when I start studying statistics for my exam on Tuesday, but I'll choose to think positively.

Half an hour until dinner. Go, Jessie, go!

The reason

2006-12-06T00:13:00.000-05:00

I was curious so I emailed:

Hey,

I feel like I failed to get the job despite some really good interviews.

What's the deal?

J.

He called immediately and told me he didn't feel a romantic connection.

And to that my friend says:

Whatever, he's gay.

Totally.

Meeting the deadline

2006-12-04T22:20:00.000-05:00

I have a long theory paper that I need to finish by Friday. So now I am playing guitar, uploading pictures, and blogging. Of course.

Last week I went to the doctor and learned that I'm at my lowest weight since mono. Right on! Right before I left for Korea I was at my highest weight since ever. Let's take a look, shall we?

I feel healthy and good about myself.

If only that blasted two-date boy knew what he was missing. Evidently he doesn't...

And while I'm showing pictures, here are the things I have over my bed. For three months that large composite frame had all the standard frame-insert people still in it. Anyone who came over would stare at it with a perplexed expression on their faces. The other weekend I finally filled it with Southeast Asian memories and it looks great. The postcards on the left are from Tokyo and Mao is from Beijing. The two little ones are from Thailand. La dee dah.

Oh me oh my

2006-12-04T09:19:00.000-05:00

So the first date was fabulous and the second not far behind, aside from a minor case of weird-vibes at the end. That was Thursday and now it's Monday morning. No sign of him. You think it's safe to say I failed the interview? Or am I an obsessive woman who should chill?

Bahh!

A friend of mine at school is against real Christmas trees because they are bred to be cut down. When asked how she feels about cut flowers she had no objection. She's a very successful student who has a Louis Vitton change purse dangling off her Coach shoulder bag. I still like her in spite of these things.

3 AM

2006-12-02T02:58:00.000-05:00

Shit, can't sleep again and today it's the caramel coretto to blame.

I'm in Thornhill after a lovely shabbat dinner with the family. Matzah balls and challah and candles - the whole deal. Brisket over chicken. My stomach is a bit angry with me.

The wind is angry too. It is howling outside and the trees are casting shadows on the closet door in my brother's old room where I'm sleeping. I just went on a hunt for the electric blanket my mom bought for me a couple of years ago but it's nowhere to be seen. And I'm freezing. Brrr. Puh-leee-ching.

I was thinking recently about Korea but what was it... hmm... nope, can't remember.

There is a website for the school I taught at and every now and then I check it out to see how my kids are doing. They look older, and some are gone. Where's Mindy? Jamie looks demonic and sweaty as ever.

I really want to sleep but don't feel like it's going to be an option right now. I'll give it a go.

Motivation is the Key

2006-11-29T10:52:00.000-05:00

Together we stand to begin our day
with hopes and dreams along the way.

School is a place to work and achieve
to strive for goals, to dream and believe.

Motivation is the key
to learning well successfully.

A place for fellowship and fun
amongst our peers until we're done.

Along with O Canada, we used to stand and say this poem every morning at Bayview Fairways Public School. I wonder if the kids still do it.

Where can I get some of that motivation?

At the gym I sometimes watch Oprah or Dr. Phil because it's on, it makes the time pass... Oprah gave everyone in her audience $1000 to 'pay it forward' and one first grade teacher gave a whole bunch of books to an 88 year old man who has been learning to read and attending her classes regularly. That's motivation. Where did he get it from?

The quarter life crisis continues

2006-11-28T20:46:00.000-05:00

Weeks ago, "How bad is it to work as a grocery store cashier?"

Today, "I wish I worked at McDonalds," I said.

"I wish I worked at Starbucks," she said.

"Everyday on the streetcar I look at the driver and think 'damn, he's got a good life,'" he said.

We laughed, then sighed.

Why are we doing this to ourselves?

I can't seem to put the necessary effort into my work. I sit at my computer and do everything but my work. I don't like my work!

But I've had a moment of clarity.

Here's the idea: I want to do something where I can express creativity, work with people, and be independent at the same time. I think I'll do a second master's degree in journalism. I like writing. I appreciate language. I won English awards in highschool AND once my TA in first year sociology wrote on a lame paper "you should go into journalism." That settles it, doesn't it?

So I can go to France from October to March (there's an interesting English teaching program there that allows lots of travel and life) then travel and/or work, then start a journalism program in the fall. Done and done.

Hip hip hooray

2006-11-27T19:14:00.000-05:00

HELLO!

I feel happy.

At Fresh, the place where I ate tonight, the wallpaper extends onto the ceiling and looks totally beautiful. Too bad there weren't enough vegetables in my soba noodles. Too much soba, I tell you.

Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment. The annual checkup thing. The last time I went to the doctor they told me I had high cholesterol. The time before that I had low iron. Then I went to Korea and managed to avoid the needle-in-the-bum. Whoo!

Speaking of which, I was sick so many damn times in Korea. Let me find my list.

1. Sick upon arrival lingering from trip to Mexico
2. Late July 2005: mini cold beginning in Osaka, Japan.
3. Mid/late September 2o05: lost voice for about six days (completely - still had to teach AND missed going to Everland.)
4. October 1st to October 3rd: pink eye and lingering sore throat/cough/phlegm/scratchy voice .... still going on October 25th... feeling mostly cleared up by November 5th 2005.
5. December 16th - December 24th 2005: total body ache and then stuffy and bloody nose.
6. January 7th 2006: headache, sore throat, fever, stuffy nose... almost lost voice, lingering sore throat better by January 23rd 2006.
7. February 26th 2006: Cold with lots of phlegm! Then ear infection! Still sick on March 13th. Pretty much better by March 18th.
8. March 29th 2006 - April 10th 2006: sore throat and phlegm, then stuffed nose.
9: April 22nd 2006 - Cold, sudden.

If you find this explicit, it's because I copied it straight out of my journal and it doesn't suffer from the stringent censorship laws that this blog does.

Never teach children! I was sick so many times I can't even believe it. I haven't been sick once since I returned home in August.

Tomorrow is my first physical since before Korea. Hopefully they don't tell me I have something equivalent to the dentist's cavity.

All I want to do is play with my cube

2006-11-23T11:41:00.000-05:00

At some point everyday I get an idea for what I will late blog about, only to run out of time and miss the opportunity.

On Monday I was going to write about the solution I’ve found for having no time to do the things I need to do. That is to skip other obligations like class and researching. That way I can do other important things like sleep and grade really bad-to-grade papers. Yes!

On Tuesday I was going to write about another solution I’ve found for having no time to do the things I need to do, and that is to play with a rubik’s cube. It’s fun, and near impossible unless you’re a math genius. I want to be a rubik’s cube genius. My fellow researcher and I spent some serious time working on a rubik’s cube I bought at the paper store under my school in Korea. It has six sides as usual but each is adorned with a country flag. The countries are Korea, Japan, Canada, USA, France, and Great Britain. Makes sense.

This is how far I got. Looks pretty good, right? Except according to the instructions we found online you need to start with the top layer and you must have a T shape on each side of other countries. Here you can see that I got the USA T shape but that my Korea side is not right. I needed to switch two corners and when I tried, disaster struck. At least I have photographic evidence of a full top. Whoo!

On Wednesday I was going to write about how I seem to interact with professors in a way that makes my fellow classmates reel in shock and horror. I joke around with them, (unless I’m crying, that is) and say things others wouldn’t. The other day that same fellow researcher and I crashed a wine and cheese celebratory dissertation completion thing for a student we’d never met. We were just hoping that the wine would add a little something to the rubik’s cube solution. I had been chatting with a professor about a variety of things (including moving to France, which he fully supports – because that way I can do my PhD research abroad…). On the way out I asked him if he can do rubik’s cubes.

“I’m stupid when it comes to things like that,” he said. “I’m no good at Sodoku either.” He looked to my friend, who’s Asian, and asked, “Are you?”

“No,” she answered.

“Why not? You’re Asian!” I said.

Authority and respect? Nah.

Today is Thursday and thanks to an extension on the paper grading I’m finally going to finish that today. Today, I tell you!

This weekend I think I might re-magic straighten my hair. Fancy that! And I’m going to initiate Jordana into the magical world of Indian food. She’ll thank me forever. I thank Wendy forever. Thanks Fred!
These are my dogs Kwinter and Oliver, who were happy to see me this weekend. I was happy to see them.

Suburban me

2006-11-17T20:27:00.000-05:00

Hot damn, I hate riding the subway during rush hour! Why is it always full of freaks muttering to themselves, screaming children, and sneezing people? No, seriously? I'm not a public transportation snob, but I tell ya, if only I hadn't misplaced my ipod today.

The reason I took the subway is because I am currently sitting in my house in the suburbs, dog sitting for my parents who are out of town. Approaching my house on foot from the bus stop at the end of the corner made me feel sadly reminiscent. Maybe of my mostly care-free highschool self, or my lonely walking-through-the-neighbourhood heart-broken self, or some sort of self that I used to be before that I'm not anymore.

The suburbs are so quiet. The houses are so big and dark. There are so many condiments in the fridge but no fruits or vegetables. There are things in the freezer, even. My room is now the laundry/weight lifting room, but the purple walls and yellow curtains and random art remain.

This weekend I'm grading papers and right now I'm taking a break.

I'm resisting temptation to eat the condiments in the fridge and frozen things in the freezer because I've been catching glimpses of developing abs. Nice-uh.

It's grading time!

What are you doing this weekend?

That black poison strikes again

2006-11-15T02:01:00.000-05:00

About a month ago I started drinking coffee before statistics class and it has been working like a charm. Though I don't always pay attention, I am always wide awake - until 3:30 in the morning. Damn!

About an hour ago I figured I might as well put myself to sleep by reading an article about economic development and its influence on migration patterns. It was the only time I've been interested in reading for school since September! I remembered it all and didn't even flip to the back to count the remaining pages! Okay, I did do that, but only once.

Does anyone else fine themselves doing that? Reading an article just to get it done but not actually paying much attention to its content? Of course you do. My friend told me that some people actually like the articles they read - this is the mark of true academics. Them crazies!

Hmmm... what else is new? Ahh yes. The other day in theory class a number of students were asked to read aloud in class. This brought me right back to good ol' grade three when we had to read from readers and I couldn't stand to hear kids struggling. Despite having a seemingly relaxed and friendly group of people in my class, you could feel the judging in the air. You stumble over the word antinomy, you die!!!

Remember those fifty assignments I picked up last week? The professor (previously judged hip and cool) promised to send out the grading sheet by Friday. When he didn't I sent a quick email reminder because I hoped to get them mostly done over the weekend. He never responded to my or the other TA's emails. Now a week has gone by and the grading is due a week from now. Blast!

Okay, now I will attempt to sleep. Oh, and for those looking for some fun, try this: http://cognitivelabs.com/word_shoot.htm courtesy of Robin.

I love my neighbourhood

2006-11-12T11:50:00.000-05:00

Have I mentioned this before? A ten minute walk North is a great neigbourhood called the Annex where all the U of T students/young people eat and drink. A ten minute walk West is little Italy where all the fancy-dressed people eat and drink. A six minute walk Southeast is Kensington Market, where all the vintage clothes and vegan food and tourists and all kinds of people eat and drink (and shop), and China town, where all the Asians and Asian-appreciating people eat and drink.

Let's take a look at Kengington market, shall we?

Here is a road in kensington with shops along it. Wow!

And here is another. Oh, look, people too! And rain.

Here is cheese - lots and lots of cheese. Look at all that laughing cow cheese. Why is there so much, you ask?

Because here is China town, which really should be renamed Asian town or Vietnam town. The laughing cow cheese is to fill all those Vietnamese buns, of course. Kam un!

Then, to top off the day, I norae-banged in Korea town and thanks to a little bit of maekju I said "sarang hae" to the lady. It's true I love her and Koreans and norae bang. I'm sad to report that I did not receive a single box of peppero yesterday.

Humiliating grad school moment #32

2006-11-10T15:38:00.000-05:00

I have this unfortunate character flaw that likes to catch me in professor's offices every now and again. I cry. I cry for reasons unrelated to the actual situation, but more to do with nerves, self-defense and power imbalace (I suspect).

Here's the story.

I went to see my advisor/research employer/professor about my final course paper for her class just to run some ideas by her. All was fine until she asked, with a rather doubtful tone, "do you like grad school?" "No." I answered, and promptly started crying. The thing is that I don't necessary hate grad school, and things have actually been going alright lately, but I have this response ready for whenever I'm asked. And it's true that I don't love it. My point is that it's no crying matter for me.

So we had this long conversation where she seemed to bask in the glory of therapist role-taking. And I couldn't get control of my emotions. She asked me surprisingly personal questions that I (perhaps less surprisingly) answered truthfully. Are you depressed? No! Are you going to drop out? No! Do you have a low self-esteem? No! Are you socially incompetent? No!

The idea that I may even come across as any of these things is demoralizing for me. The only one I can understand is the self-esteem one, because I feel this unlike-me feeling of timidness sweep over me when I'm in school. Even my posture and facial expressions feel meek and I hate it. I generally have a fine self-esteem and particularly after returning from Korea I felt more self-assured than ever.

I suppose it was only logical for her to connect the tears to depression.

She also asked this: what makes you happy? And this is the crux of the problem. I don't know. I am unmotivated in school because nothing blows my mind. I am a flat line. I feel like I've tried hard to find what drives me but to no avail and at this stage a driving force is necessary to continue. How can I find passion?

There are some people around me who appear to totally immerse themselves in school and their work, which is noble, but not something I am capable of or interested in. I, however, seem to have kept school at a distance and am doing the bare minimum to get by. I need to become engaged.

Overall she was actually rather encouraging, assuring me that I am a good student who is doing well and that many people feel this way around this time. We came up with a plan for the research paper and my RA work that hopefully will work. She said that most people really get excited when they have the opportunity to attend a conference and present a paper. So that's that.

One of you suggested that I worry not about grades or impressing people but about learning, growing, and creating work that I can make use of. I don't think I'll be able to do this until I find what makes me happy.

Hanging in there

2006-11-07T16:10:00.000-05:00

Life is good!

I feel like I have nothing to do! Then again I'm picking up fifty assignments for grading in ten minutes. At least the next ten minutes are ten minutes of my own.

In an attempt to expand my horizons I joined the gym across the street from my department. It's the Miles Nadar Jewish Community Center. I can work out and pick up men to make my momma happy all at the same time.

Yesterday I went for my complimentary fitness assessment and gym orientation with Jesus, a fitness guy who works at the JCC. He measured my BMI and blood pressure and body fat and all those fancy things and I'm pleased to announce that I'm normal on all counts. He asked me my goals, which are to be fit, to have something to do besides schoolwork, and maintain a healthy weight. I'm considering changing my goals, though, and losing 30 pounds to pursue modelling in Paris after I finish grad school. Seems like a good idea to me. Maybe I can get a rich Jewish philanthropist to support my dreams.

Jesus asked me my nationality. "Are you Italian?" You'd think that at the JCC people would have an easier time with that. Maybe I'll date Jesus, but that would defeat the purpose of the making momma proud... Hmm.

In other news, Jordana and I have officially booked our flight to San Francisco. We will take a bus between it and LA and fly home from there over the Christmas holidays. Anybody have San Fran/LA travel recommendations?

Time to pick up those papers. Those ten minutes were bliss... pure bliss.

Grades and the farce of it all

2006-11-05T11:46:00.000-05:00

I finished that paper late at night and sent it in knowing full well it was really terrible. Not the kind of terrible when you are just self-deprecating and it's actually pretty good. Terrible. The ideas were bad and unsupported and anyway, it was terrible. I got an A.

Weeks ago I wrote a similar paper for the same class that I felt really great about. I thought it was well organized and well written. I got an A-.

You may be thinking "wow, both A's, what's the problem?!" Well, this is what my professor says about grades:

"It takes a lot for me to give an A+. It takes a lot for me to give a B."

So basically she grades between an A- and an A+, meaning that the not so great papers get an A- and the fabulous ones get an A+. Isn't that bullshit? And that's the way it goes for all professors more or less in my department (at the graduate level).

This and the fact that I know that she misgraded those papers and also that I'm a TA who marks papers without even knowing the class material shows me how stupid all of this is.

The paper writing blues

2006-11-01T23:35:00.000-05:00

It's 11:30 and I'm at school writing a bad paper. I'm not very close to finishing and I'm ready to crawl into bed and sleep until noon. Maybe I will sleep until noon... But first I must finish this bad paper because it's due before the morning comes. I'm not one for all nighters. In fact, I'm not really that far off from finishing, but far enough off that the end doesn't feel near and I hate it, hate it, hate it.

So I can blog and check my email and file my nails and feel sorry for myself for at least a few more ten minute chunks, and then it'll seriously be time to get down to business. Uh huh.

There was an award ceremony in the department today so now in the grad student fridge are many, many little cake-like things and a fruit plate. I snuck a peek at the faculty fridge too. Not only did they get cakes but they also got the left over soft drinks and cheese and vegetables slices. I'm not hungry at all.

Anything else I can think of to say right now? Nope. Except my paper is really bad, which is too bad, because I like to write good papers and not bad ones.

I must finish! I will finish in the hour! And then I will go home and sleep! Until noon... or maybe 8:00.

Singin' fly fly witchy witchy fly...

2006-11-01T01:32:00.000-05:00

Happy Halloween! I went to a party and dressed up as a girl from the sixties. This dress was my grandmother's - back in the sixties. I have a feeling my five foot tall grandmother wore this dress a little differently than I do...

And while I'm posting pictures, here is me in my research room hard at work. Tomorrow morning I have to be there at nine. Oh no! Better sleep now.

Something

2006-10-29T14:30:00.000-05:00

I saw a girl with a shoulder bag. On the bag were phrases. Wear sunscreen. Don’t count on an old age pension. Have many friends. I can’t remember the rest but they’re all from that song Kiran just recommended to me. What are the odds?

Yesterday I went to see Running with Scissors which I’d heard nothing about. It was crazy ridiculous-like, though funny and likeable. I found there were a few too many scenes that were straight out of Garden State: the pet funeral, the medicine cabinet, the screaming release, and there were more… Huh.

I’ve been spending time doing nothing too much when I should be spending it doing something. Despite my complaints about grad school being hard, I really don’t have all that much left to do in this semester. Actually, that’s a huge lie. I have two stats assignments that take up all my time, and then two five page papers for my class on Immigration, two smaller things for immigration, a 20-25 page final paper for Theory and another of similar length for Immigration. Plus I have two more assignments to grade this term for my TA class and 9 hours a week to spend doing RA work. What the hell am I doing doing nothing?

The professor I’m TAing for is really well rounded and cool. He’s from Alabama and did an undergraduate degree in Engineering and History. Then he went on to do an MD, the fellowship for which he is just finishing now in oncology. At the same time he’s finishing his PhD in epidemiology. And he’s working as a sessional in the sociology department teaching a course on research methods. AND he plays a bunch of instruments in bands. And he’s friendly to his students and likes traveling and smiles a lot. And he’s 33. Interesting.

And now it’s time to do something.

Jessica's random blogging supreme

2006-10-26T18:49:00.000-05:00

My department is on the Southeast corner of Bloor and Spadina, a trendy student area full of restaurants and cafes and things. Everytime I walk along Bloor I notice new places I've never noticed before and I fail to find the place I'm looking for and I'm sure I've seen. Where ever did that pants-hemming place go?!?

There are also lots of Koreans in the neighbourhood (Korea town in five minutes away) and I can always easily spot them, either because of the telling fashion or the ahuhahuh characteristic girlfriend whine. Sometimes the sexy lip pout gives them away.

Speaking of which, the other day I took a friend's advice and checked out a sushi place called Rolu right near school. I ordered what they called the maki set which came with gyoza and some other things. What did I get? Kimbap and mandu. I don't like kimbap and I only like mandu fresh from the little shop next to the eyeglass store and across from the gym on main street, Suji. Deep fried likely frozen mandu be damned. Blasted! Then I noticed the soju poster on the wall, the Korean writing painted indescriptely on the window, the Korean owner and Korean patrons... Man, I will never escape. Not that I want to escape. Okay, I just want to never eat kimbap again. That yellow radish and spam just doesn't cut it.

So you're curious about the love affairs, eh? Too bad my family may still be reading this 'cause there's so much more to tell. Hi family!

Blast from the past

2006-10-25T18:20:00.000-05:00

Okay, screw it, I'm blogging.

So the other week I got this email from my old co-worker, who I thought I got along fine with:

Jessica,

Just out of sheer and total curiosity... why did it matter so much to you (before you left Korea) that I didn't get that paper lamp and the "nice guitar"? You gave them to Jen (who, for the record, didn't want them and eventually gave them away) just because you didn't want me to have them!? Interesting. Let the record state that I didn't want either of them at all and they have recently been distributed to newer teachers BUT it has recently come to my attention that you were adament that I did NOT get them. I am really curious about this and I suppose the only way to get to the bottom of it is to go to the source (you).

I guess it just seems like wasted energy unless you really, truly cared.

Out of nowhere, just like that. Slam.

This is a ludicrous thing, really. And I was affected by it despite is ludicrousness. Speaking of wasted energy.

Geez louise is what I say.

Speaking of what I say, when I was in Korea I had a love affair that I never told you about. I met him my first night out and he asked me out a couple of weeks later and then nothing but friendship for about six months. Starting in January there was a two months love affair, and then nothing. We stopped calling. He couldn't hack the yellow dust and I was a little fed up.

We hung out at the Madison on Friday night and he said, "Jess, you were right. You snooze, you lose." (Insert deep eye stare here).

Uh huh. Men think they want you until you want them back and then nothin'.

October Crisis

2006-10-24T21:19:00.000-05:00

What the hell am I going to do?

I just watched the movie-version of RENT, a musical I loved and sang throughout my teenage days. I wanted to preface teenage days with 'happy' but perhaps that's inaccurate. In any case, the days of me singing and dancing to RENT, and waiting outside the Royal Alex for cheap tickets, and all the rest, were happy.

And today I'm sad.

I hate grad school. There's nothing good about it. I don't feel passionate about any of the stuff I'm doing and I have no idea where it's leading me. Sitting in that stats exam today really knocked me out. I got into the program because of my so-called stats ability and I couldn't hack it.

But the problem isn't the program exactly - it's only a year and the year will pass by quickly - it's my life. I have no idea what my life will become. The safety net of school is finished because school is no longer safe. I want to live a life where my time is my own. I want a job that I can love or at least feel good about doing, and that I can leave behind me in the evenings and on weekends so I can appreciate the people and city and life around me.

An academic career (and many other careers, I know) consumes your time and your mind and your soul. Or at least mine. And at least for now. I can't imagine doing a six year Phd so I can spend my lifetime doing this kind of work

Okay, so if I come to that decision then what else can I do? Where can I go? I want to live where I'm living with the friends that I have and be the person that I am but I need to do something that doesn't drain everything out of me. What is that?

For the past few years I've been on kind of a quest to find what I'm passionate about. In my early undergraduate days I expected passion to hit me. Then later on I realized I must seek it out, and I revisited things that from my past had made me overwhelmingly happy, then I went to Israel and Korea in an attempt to find something in myself or the world that would drive me.

All these things have been good for me but I still feel as lost as ever. Can anyone send me passion in the mail?

Breathe... and then get a drink.

2006-10-24T15:57:00.000-05:00

I just came out of the most stressful testing situation of my life.

As a rule, I generally like to be prepared before tests. In previous statistics classes this hasn't been a problem. I do all the exercises at the back of the book, make sure I can do them, and voila! An easy test.

Today I sat down to my statistics midterm having heard the ... statistics... People generally do very well, the TA's and professor are there to help you through it, it's open book. No problem, right?

The test began at 1:00 and was to last until 3:00. I stared at the first question for about twenty minutes before calling over the TA. I finally finished it about an hour and fifteen minutes into the three hours. And I had three more questions to go.

It was BRUTAL. I can't begin to describe the feeling! I felt the pressure of time and the pressure of having no idea what the question was asking me. This pressure multiplied by the log odds of the probability of the effect of pressure equals me dying inside. And wanting a stiff drink tonight. Hell, right now.

A photograph

2006-10-18T00:48:00.000-05:00

Guess where this is? You're wrong, it's Toronto. Crazy, ain't it?

I can't sleep and it's far too late. I should sleep. Goodnight.

Confidence is Key!

2006-10-16T16:48:00.000-05:00

Kiran thinks I should post more often. Fine. But first Kiran must settle something. I pronounce your name so that the -an sounds like -in. My friend who reads your blog says Kir-AN. She also emphasizes the 'ish' in aircondITioner. Well??

Word to the wise: Despite being petrified of all things medical in Korea (needle in the bum? no thank you!) you should still go to the dentist for a cleaning sometime during your year. It only costs something like 50,000 won and it's well worth it.

This Saturday I went to the dentist for the first time since more than a year ago. I was really excited to have clean teeth, especially since sometime during my stay in Korea I developed stains on the insides of my teeth along the gum line. I'd never had anything like this before and it freaked me out but not enough to go to a dentist in Korea.

Did I ever tell the story of D'Arcy having a cavity dealt with in Korea without any freezing?

Anyway.

I have a very rigid plan of action for visiting the dentist which includes thorough brushing the night before, thorough brushing the morning of, no eating that night or day, and thorough brushing immediately prior. The goal is to spend as little time in the chair under the chit-chatting wrath of the hygenist as possible. I don't know what's worse, hair dresser chit chat or dental hygenist chit chat. This plan usually works well and I'm in an out in no time with compliments about how clean my teeth are and how it looks like I haven't eaten anything in days. Whoo!

This time, thanks to the amount of time it's been and my stains, I was subjected to the chit chat for a longer than usual time. Not only that but she was talking to me about politically charged things like North Korea and Arabs and who should bomb/kill who. I was pissed! It is totally inappropriate to have that kind of conversation with someone who has their mouth agape and is unable to respond. Man! Just when I thought I couldn't take any more she started singing Fiddler on the Roof.

And then the dentist came by for his ritual bare hand, guaze on the tongue inspection after cleaning. This time, though, he casually mentioned a word I've never heard before: cavity. No!

I cried a little.

I have never had a cavity! Oral pain is something that really scares me. The thought of a needle in my gums is... something I can't find a good word for, even.

Once in highschool I had a dream that my music teacher, Mr. Chan, gave me a low grade. In the dream I was yelling, "I am an A student!!"

Once in first year university D'Arcy and I had a party in our residence room (that we shared - this is where we met). Another friend came by and ended up making out with a guy who had been hitting on me earlier in the night. I still can't live down the line, "Randi doesn't get action! I get action!"

I don't get cavities!!!

Phewf. On Saturday I will face my cavity filling doom. Ooh hoo hoo.